I Had the WEIRDEST Dream Last Night.
In this dream, James Brown is giving a concert. At the end of this concert, James Brown spots Michael Jackson in the audience and calls him up on stage for an impromptu performance. Mike sings the words ‘I love you’ really passionately a couple of times in classic Mike fashion. Then, he dances as only Mike can and makes this into a really amazing moment. The crowd’s feeling good. Amazing.
Then Mike tells James Brown that Prince is in the audience. Then James Brown says, ‘SAYWHAAANAH!?!’ Then MJ tells him again that Prince is in the audience and it’d be a dope musical moment to bring him on stage. Then James Brown says, ‘HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’
Then James Brown announces Prince.
Ladies, I’m willing to bet money that you’ve experienced this before. You’re walking down the street, minding your own damned business, when a man approaches you. He’s got that look in his eye; maybe he’s even rubbing his hands together and/or licking his lips. You steel yourself for what you know is about to transpire. He speaks.
“Hey, how you doin’ Miss Lady?” You smile weakly, or maybe you roll your eyes, or maybe you don’t respond at all. It doesn’t matter. He’s got a goal; he’s locked in and focused. He gives you a few other pleasantries (“You look nice today; “I like your hair;” “Damn, you got a fat ass,” etc.) and then gets to it. Can he have your number? Call you sometimes? Maybe take you out to dinner? No, thank you. Why not? You got a man? Maybe you have one, and you respond in kind. Or, maybe you don’t have one, but you tell him you do anyway just to get him to go away. And then he hits you with it:
“That’s cool; we can just be friends.”
This is where your vagina, ideally, activate its security system and raise the terror threat level to magenta.
Silk’s “Lose Control:” Well, That Escalated Quickly.
Recently, Smyph reminded me of how hard Silk’s “Lose Control” went–and still goes. It’s right up there with Boyz II Men’s “50 Candles” on my list of 1990s songs worth having sex to (and let me tell you, “50 Candles” is sacred to me. When I’m feeling sad and down on myself, I lay out some polka dot pajamas, run a bubble bath and pretend I’m in the video).
DMX Kills People in a Party Song.
I’MA KILL YOU RIGHT AFTER I DO THE KID N’ PLAY WIT MY MANS & NEM!
DMX’s “Get It On The Floor” is kind of bi-polar. You know what probably happened with this song? DMX was probably walking into the studio with a huge stack of random items. A pizza box, a set of encyclopedias, a basketball, three of those pink flamingo lawn ornament things your Memaw has in her front lawn, a really big Dagwood sandwich, and and the top of all that, two binders. One binder full of song verses, and another binder full of song choruses. As soon as he get into the studio, someone says, “Oh, hey, X, I’m glad you’re here; can you hold this feather for me?” and they toss the feather on top of all his stuff and it becomes to heavy and his legs do the wobbly cartoon thing for like 5 minutes and just when you think he’s got it, he falls and it all comes crashing down. Then all the verses and choruses get mixed up. Frustrated and unwilling to put all the correct verses and choruses together, DMX randomly picks two and steps inside the booth.
That’s how you get a party song full of murder, guns, death and bullets and slit throats.
…And You, Brian McKnight, are no Gynecologist.
Sigh. Ladies. I can’t think of a gentle way to say this, so I’ll just say it:
Brian McKnight wants to show you how your vagina works.
I have questions and concerns.
Somebody’s Watching Me… Not Take My Medicine
In 1996, Master P and TRU made a good case for potential untreated paranoid schizophrenia with their release of ‘Somebody’s Watching Me.’
This video made me realize that you can truly tell the shape of our economy by the level of flossiness found in rap videos. In this video, it is clear that we were NOT in a recession. Master P could afford things that are really amazing when you consider it. Fur coats? Got those. Bad gold chains? Hell yeah. Airplanes!? You know it!
Master P could also afford to put an extremely ugly dude on the hook and have him fly way too close to the camera. I mean, why not, right? If no one watches this video because the dude singing the hook looks like his face is made of melted wax, we’ll just make another video and replace Ugly Hook Dude with the talking dolphin from Sea Quest. THAT, my friends, is how money talks!
Master P also paid to have his brother have a rapping career, which is truly a financial feat! Silk da Shocker is the WORST rapper of all time, pound for pound. Others may challenge him… but his verse on this song is one of the worst things ever. Here are some excerpts:
And I be seeing shit that ain’t there,
It ain’t there, but I be seein shit
I be in places without even bein seen there
But be seen in places without even bein there
and
Be having nightmares in the day
I be woke, but I be sleep
I looked at shock the nigga but I turned around and it was me
Those are actual words he says. And then he insists that he’s not paranoid. Yeah… he’s awful. And also maybe unstable.
Also, after watching this video I am absolutely convinced that Master P invented rap hands. Nobody uses their hands better to display irrelevant emotions like P.
Nobody.
Tis the Season to be Absolutely Completely Ridiculous.
We at SplakCent have decided to break our silence to wish you all a very Happy Holidays! For this edition, we offer you the worst, strange, most annoying, and unbelievable moments in Christmas music! This List is in no particular order.
Clarence Carter – Backdoor Santa
Official: Clarence Carter is the worst Santa Claus ever in life. He comes into your house, sends you out to play, has sex with your mom, doesn’t leave you a single gift, and scurries off before your dad comes home. The good news: the “backdoor” part is not an allusion to anal escapades (that we know of..what Santa Carter and your mom do behind closed doors is their business). The back door is how he makes his escape if there’s no chimney in the house. And how many houses with chimneys do you know of in the hood? Exactly.
Congrats, Splackie Award Winners!
"This some bullsh!t!"
You may be saying to yourself, “weren’t these results supposed to be announced January 2nd?” And to that we say, shut up! Unless your name is God, you’re totally not allowed to judge us.
Anywhom, we present to you, ladies and gentlejerks, the most ridiculous musical beings of 2010.
The First Annual Splackie Awards!
(via)
Greetings, all, and welcome to the first annual ever in life Splackie Awards, where we award the best and worst (but mostly worst) musical events, people, and happenings of the year. The most awesome thing about this is that it’s totally people’s choice. Well, kind of. We did pick the categories and nominees, but YOU get to vote on them!
Let’s get this crazy train rollin’ with our first category:
A Holiday Message from the 90s: Keep It Real This Christmas.
"Happy Kwanzaa, b!tch!"
This is the video story of a kid who thought Christmas BOPPED! …Literally.
Splackavellie Central 
