Worst of the Best, Vol. 1: Stevie Wonder

Hey everybody! This is SeanSmyph. Co-writer and co-thought person of this whole Splackavellie Central thing. I’m starting a new series here called “Worst of the Best,” which will take a look at what happens when some of the best artists of our time fail and fail hard.  I’ll even make it a challenge. If you can find a worse song by the artist I pick…post it! Prove me wrong!

Number 1 in the series is none other than my own personal favorite artist of all time: Stevie Wonder.

Not familiar? Here’s a quick overview:

When Stevie Wonder was born in 1950, he shit a gold brick and decided to sing in the key of E instead of crying about it when doctors slapped him on his rear.  At age 8 he invented the rotary telephone, and at 13, he dropped a #1 summer jam and never looked back…literally and figuratively (Editor’s note:  *rimshot*).

Essentially, Stevie has done it all. He’s won 25 Grammy Awards since 1973; he reinvented the birthday song for Martin Luther King, Jr. and gave your aunt Maureen something to sing right after “the other” birthday song is finished; and he started a fashion trend by popularizing being bald as hell but still having dreadlocks (aka – the dread mullet). Don’t believe me? Look at him.  And him. See? Fashion.  Perhaps his biggest misstep was having bad friends who dressed him in things like this:

Is he holding a headless bird??

But its STEVIE! Fur and all, don’t nobody say nothin’ bad about Stevie…

…until “Sweet Little Girl.”

Now musically, Stevie is still Stevie in this song. It starts with a very normal, infectious, harmonica-infused beat.   Classic Stevie. You might even find yourself singing along or something…that is, until the beat changes and the entire mood of the song morphs into something kind of uncomfortable.  And for some reason, Stevie sounds like a mix of a runaway slave and your drunk Uncle Billy who doesn’t care that you’re related.  You can just see him hitting on some too-young girl pressed up against a wall trying to avoid Stevie’s ripple breath (which I like to call the birth place of funk) and his touchy grabby advances. Remember how your parents tell you not to trust people who offer you sweets and goodies and puppies to come with them?  Guess what Stevie does?

Come on baaaaaaaaaby, you know your baaaaaaaaaaaby loves you,
I’ve given you cookies and candy, and the woofer…

Oh shit! The woofer!?! Stevie gave her the woofer!?! Why would he do that?!  Did it come with tweeters!?! Are we talking about that kind of woofer!?! If not that woofer, then what woofer!?! Oh my God, Stevie what did you do!?! How young is she!?! Did you bring Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a coloring book too!?! Was Chris Hansen there?  Why wasn’t Chris Hansen there??  Did you name your penis ‘The Woofer?’  If so, is that a seeing eye-dog reference!?!

..If so, that’s pretty clever.  Creepy…but clever.

Then, just when you’re starting to feel all the way uneasy, Stevie flips back into happy mode and it sounds like its gonna stay awhile! The beat starts rocking…Stevie’s hitting high notes again, life is good! You’re almost able to forget that the song got weird back there. (Whew!)

But then Stevie presses the creepy button again. At this point its kind of like an audible abusive relationship. Musically, the good times are really good…but the bad times are unfortunate as shit and you just want to leave.  And it just keeeps getting worse; this time he sounds even more drunk and nonsensical.

Come on now, honey-sugar, you know your baby waitin’ on your love doll,
You know you got my load. Can’t you hear me talking to you, honey?

…wait. Huh? You got my load? YOU BETTA BE TALKIN’ LAUNDRY STEVIE!?! I know you ain’t…BUT YOU BETTA BE!!!

So…the song actually fades out with Stevie talking sloppy drunk to this poor, potentially under-age girl. It never recovers.  Just slides away into the most uncomfortable ending of any Stevie Wonder song I can think of when in the last line of the song, he yells:  ‘Don’t make me get mad and act like a nigger!!!’

I swear I’m not making this up. Stevie Wonder, lover of God and women, threatens to act like a Nigger if some girl doesn’t give it up!

Alright, it’s on you now.  Think you have a worse Stevie song? Drop it in the comments and getchusome!

Heh…woofer.

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