The First Annual Splackie Awards!
Greetings, all, and welcome to the first annual ever in life Splackie Awards, where we award the best and worst (but mostly worst) musical events, people, and happenings of the year. The most awesome thing about this is that it’s totally people’s choice. Well, kind of. We did pick the categories and nominees, but YOU get to vote on them!
Let’s get this crazy train rollin’ with our first category:
Worst R&B Song of the Year.
- Keri Hilson – The Way You Love Me: Poor lil Keri. So much vagina popping for such a mediocre song.
- H-Town – Call Me Mr. Pacman: Apparently, Pacman was a “stone freak undercover.” Who knew?
- Various Motherf#ckers – We Are the World 2010: Because the first one just wasn’t cringe-worthy enough.
- Lloyd – Lay It Down: If only he didn’t break out into a yodeling fit at the end, we might could forgive this.
Worst Rap Song of the Year.
- MC Hammer – Better Run Run: Remember when MC Hammer tried to go thug with “Pumps and a Bump?” It’s that all over again, but worse.
- Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag: Whoever told him that rhyming like an asthmatic in the middle of an attack lied to him.
- Nicki Minaj – Right Through Me: And whoever told her that “haddiyow” is a word did the same.
- Plies feat. Keri Hilson – Medicine: When metaphors go horribly wrong and are put over terrible beats and delivered by bad rappers.
Best Viral Video/Song.
- Antoine Dodson – The Bed Intruder Song: If you say you never caught yourself singing this song when it wasn’t even on, you’re lying.
- Yung Humma feat. Flynt Flossy – Fried or Fertilized: I like this song so much, I wouldn’t get mad if a dude said this to me at a club*. (*editor’s note – yes I would.)
- Rev. Rozay BMF Gospel Remix: I THINK I’M PAUL! I THINK I’M DANIEL IN THE LION’S DEN! I WHOOPED GOLIATH!
- Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy, Wacka Flocka – Shawtbus Shawty: Hannah Montanamah?
- Old dude from American Idol – Pants on the Ground:If your grandad was this cool you wouldn’t get mad when he told you to get off his lawn.
Worst Viral Video/Song.
- Antoine Dodson – Bed Intruder Song: Sure it was awesome, but now he’s EVERYWHERE. Hasn’t it been 15 minutes already?!
- Bangs – Take You to the Movies: I don’t even know what to say here.
- Baby Buggz – I Goes Ham: …Oh we’re mad, alright. But probably not why you think we are.
- Lil B da Based God – Look Like Jesus: So blasphemous we almost didn’t even put it here.
Worst Beef of the Year.
- Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim:Girl gets record deal. Girl puts on green wig. Woman who is no longer rapping gets mad. Girl continues to make money. Woman continues to cluck and turn herself into a white woman.
- MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z: “King Hammer” thought Jay-Z dissed him, so he made a song claiming that Jay-Z “stole (his) swag.” He also implied that Jay is a devil worshipper and baptized him in the video. …Yeah.
- Fabolous vs. Soulja Boy: They were fighting over Kat Stacks? Even if you win, you still lose.
- Kat Stacks vs. Everybody/the Internet: Okay, I still don’t get this. People keep putting up videos of them beating this girl up in public. What? Why? Who even is she?
- Tyrese vs. the English Language: If you’re going to dole out wisdom on Twitter, be wise enough to spell things correctly.
Most Ridiculous Trip to Jail.
- DMX: Went to jail. Again. Probably for drugs. Again.
- T.I.:Go to jail. Get out of jail. Get busted and go BACK to jail less than a year later. You big dummy!
- Ja Rule: Tell the truth–you didn’t even know he went back to jail, did you?
- Lil Boosie: Truth told, I thought he was already in jail when he got sent this time.
Worst Overall Effort.
- N.E.R.D: Their album, “Nothing,” was aptly titled, because there was nothing on it we wanted to hear again. Nothing.
- Keri Hilson: She only sold about 3 records, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. ‘Cause she tried hard. …Too hard.
- Ciara: Either sold three less or three more than Keri. We keep forgetting.
- Chingy: Undersold everybody with a whopping 683 albums.
- Diddy Dirty Money: Known also as Diddy, Dawn, and That Other Girl. Thank Moses that was the last train to Paris, cause I couldn’t stand another one.
and now… The Splackavellie Central Lifetime Achievement Award.
- Flynt Flossy of (Turquoise Jeep Records): The lacefront goatee. The silky smoove vocals. The Smangit dance. All win everything.
- 50 Tyson: His story of achieving his dream in spite of his autism is beautiful. Plus he was born to be a ball player.
- The Worst DJ Ever: This guy smacked up some chick’s titties at a wedding in front of children and nobody flinched. He has to be some kind of amazing.
- Jimmy McMillan: He’s a karate expert and he ran for governor of New York on a pretty batshit platform. But did you know he wrote his own soundtrack? Hell yeah, he did!
Polls are open til winners/losers are announced on January 2, 2011! See you next year!