Worst of the Best Vol. 2: It’s MC Hammer Month!
There is a quote from The Dark Knight that goes: “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
This quote directly applies to a lot of our musical icons. In fact, I’d argue that many of our musical heroes and legends are legends because they died early. For instance, Otis Redding’s passing in 1967 ensured that he’d never have the chance to make a potential New Jack Swing single called “Silk Sheets and Taco Meat” in 1993. Close your eyes and imagine that for a second. Yeah, that song would have definitely made this website’s list of ridiculousness, and for that reason, we kind of secretly wish that it happened. It probably would have featured Aaron Hall. And there would have been countless unnecessary pit bulls in the video. Anyway, you see what I’m getting at, right? All our long-lasting greats had moments of musical failure. Michael Jackson went through it. R. Kelly (deservedly) went through it. And M.C. Hammer, the King of Hip-Pop, was not immune, and we’ve dedicated every Wednesday of this month to examining the tip of his iceberg of fails.
Before we dive head-first into the shallow end of the pool, let’s use this day to take a few laps around M.C. Hammer’s greatness, because I’m sure we all need a reminder.
In his time, M.C. Hammer was THE BEST! Its easy to laugh off the dude now, but think back for a second. M.C. Hammer made enough money to blow it all on horses and shit. This means that he’d already bought up all the necessary “I’m flossin’ harder than a dentist’s office” things like cars, houses, platinum draws, and all that. So he had to buy horses.
Hammer was everything late 90’s rap was trying to be! Do you think that Baby (of Cash Money) would have ever thought to boast about buying a platinum football field without M.C. Hammer?! Hell no! No one would even think about buying such a useless and ridiculous purchase without that man! Puffy Daddy? Shinny suits?! Songs backed by gospel choirs!?! You can thank Hammer for that!!
He was the first flashy bling-blinger. Hammer was the first rapper ever to spend more than a million dollars to make a video. Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em, the album featuring “U Can’t Touch This,” is the first rap album ever to go diamond AND it’s currently the second best selling rap album OF ALL TIME. ALL. TIME.
Every popular dance from 1989 until about 1994 came from this man. Type-writer? Hammer. Running Man? Hammer. Even that
dance you showed Aunt Edina at your cousins wedding reception came from Hammer. You probably just couldn’t do it right. Still, advantage: Hammer.
Speaking of dancing, let’s revisit the video for “2 Legit 2 Quit.” Do you remember it? I mean do you really remember it?? I thought I remembered it until I looked again. This video is so epic! Here’s the basis of the video: James Brown (played by the Real James Brown) calls in his godson (played by M.C. Hammer) to his throne room and then proceeds to shoot M.C. Hammer in his stomach with multiple fire balls. I’m not making this up. James Brown then tells him “Duh glove won is nada sucka,” which in James Brownese means: Go after Michael Jackson. Yes, James Brown orders MC Hammer to go after Michael Jackson’s glove. Then, for the next 7 to 8 minutes, M.C. Hammer Dances his ass off. He literally does every dance I can remember being popular in that time period. As a matter of fact, Hammer challenged Michael Freaking Jackson to a dance-off during the promotion of the album.
..Did you read that shit?! GO BACK AND READ THAT! He challenged Michael Dancin’ Ass Jackson to a dance-off! Do you know why you don’t remember it? Its probably because, at the time, that dance off totally made sense.
During this time period, Hammer had his own cartoon, cereal, lunch boxes, action figure, shoes, his own bag of Cheetos, adult diapers, Blue Blockers sunglasses, and his own type of pants, which people only wore when they were dead set on looking like an asshole.*
Want to see Hammer at the height of his confidence? Watch the “Pumps and a Bump” video. In it, M.C. Hammer is wearing a bikini cut polka dotted Speedo. This man had an erection the ENTIRE time. He also body rolled with said erection for 3/4ths of the video. And when it was over, he didn’t say “Oh no, I have a raging boner, so we need to do this over.” Instead he said, “CUT AND PRINT!” Why? Because he didn’t care. He liked them girls with the pumps and a bump and he clearly wasn’t afraid to show it. Guess that’s why they call them HAMMER PANTS! (…Get it?!)
So he was great. We might forget that since he’s hocking gold in stupid commercials, but oh yes. The man. Was. Great. The best of his time.
That being said, Hammer’s worsts are too expansive to be listed. I mean, when the man decided to flop…he really went for it. So for the duration of this month, every Wednesday I’ll be bringing to you some of the worst M.C. Hammer songs that have videos. Hopefully this will remind us that all the greats do some really, really dumb shit from time to time, so there’s still hope for us normal people to invent a dance or big pair of stupid looking pants that everybody will want to wear.
Come back Wednesday when the madness begins!
*We can’t really confirm all of this, but it’s probably true.