Deadliest R&B Warrior, Episode 2: Jodeci vs. Silk
Welcome to Tuesday! This is the best day of the week. Know why? Because a new episode of Deadliest Warrior premiers on Spike TV, and a new edition of Deadliest R&B Warrior debuts here at Splackavellie Central. W00t!
This time it’s extra exciting because we got all interactive with it this week, letting you all pick who’s gonna fight to the death this week, and with 38% of the vote, this week’s beat down will be betwixt Jodeci and Silk. Whose New Jack Swing packs the most punch? Get your bets in now!
Jodeci. Silk. Two New Jack Swing legends both responsible for providing us with like 80% of my favorite karaoke songs. Though similar, the two groups have varied strengths, weapons, and range attacks.
LONG RANGE ATTACKS
Jodeci: The Sonic Woo-Yeah. Is it a Jodeci song? Did you hear the “woo-yeah?” It ain’t a Jodeci song then. You know it. You love it. It’s currently in the running for ad-lib of the century (details soon come). To give an illustration of its awesome power, consider these facts: human speech is measured at 25-30 decibels (via). Anything above 85 decibels can cause hearing loss. K-Ci’s woo-yeah alone has been measured at 90 decibels, and when belted in tandem with JoJo, it skyrockets to 185 decibels (only three less than the cry of a blue whale, the largest freaking animal on the freaking planet). One shot from these shirtless banshees and you can bet blood’s gonna come gushing out of their opponent’s ears.
Silk: The Schizoid Scream. “Meeting in My Bedroom” is, in our opinion, one of the greatest r&b karaoke songs in existence, largely because of the just-escaped-from-the-looney-bin style screaming that lead singer Gary “Lil’ G” Jenkins does at the end of the song. It’s amazing. It’s fun. It’s completely deadly. At 175 decibels, it’s not quite as loud as the Sonic Woo-Yeah, but it has an added advantage: it’s not hard to imagine that anybody who just busts out screaming like that in the middle of a song might have a machete and some emotional issues stashed away in his back pocket. It has a hidden message that says: “Proceed with caution. Or better yet, just don’t f#cking proceed at all because I have a chemical imbalance.”
It’s always a smart idea to stay away from the potentially batsh!t insane, but the tag-team advantage of the Sonic Woo-Yeah just makes it too tough to beat. Was anyone else in Silk trained in the Schizoid Scream? Probably not.
SHORT RANGE ATTACKS
Jodeci: Jodeci Boots. Not much to say here. These bastards will stomp a mudhole in pretty much anybody. Except maybe ninjas. But only because you never see ninjas until it’s too late.
Silk: Black Hole in Record Label’s Clothing. Did you know that Silk started their own label in 2003 called Silk Music Group? There’s a reason you didn’t know this: it’s apparently a black hole that swallowed up the only album they released on that label, entitled Silktime. If a member of the group manages to get close enough to your ear, they’ll fill it with promises of an illustrious music career, sign you, have you make an album with a name as dumb a Silktime, and that’s it. You disappear, completely fading into Bolivian. Instant kill.
Jodeci boots ain’t no joke, but you can pretty much bet that anything released on the Silk Music Group label is going to die a certain death.
Jodeci: The Crack Attack. Okay. At least one of these dudes is verifiably on crack. Few things are more dangerous than the erratic, random superhuman strength of the American Crackhead. All someone has to do is yell that the opponent has a rock or two somewhere on his body and that’s that. Instant dismemberment.
Silk: Keith Sweat. Silk was discovered by Keith Sweat way back in 1989. They were dropped from Elektra Records together in 2002, and reunited to work together again in 2003. When Silk finds themselves cornered in battle, they call on Keith Sweat who comes out and sings, either boring the opponent to death or sending him into retreat. It’s super effective.
Though Keith Sweat is boring and annoying all at the same time, nothing’s scarier than a crackhead in need of a fix. Except maybe a ninja crackhead in need of a fix.
And with two rounds to one, this week’s Deadliest R&B Warrior is: JODECI!
Come on. Were you really expecting anything different? Silk was awesome and all, but… WOO-YEAH!