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Deadliest R&B Warrior, Episode 1: Al B. Sure! vs. Ginuwine

April 20, 2010

THE BATTLE OF THE BABYHAIR!

We are VERY, very excited to introduce a new segment here at SplackCent in homage to and in celebration of the greatest, most amazing show to ever be created in anyone’s history of life EVER:  Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior.  If you’ve not seen the show, SHAME ON YOU.  Basically, it works like this.  The beautiful nerds that write/produce the show pick two fierce, ferocious warriors from the pages of world history and pit them against each other.  They examine their weapons and fighting styles and in the end assess who would win had their paths ever crossed.  Sounds amazing, right?  You have NO idea (get a clue here and here).

Now.  We’re going to do something similar, only with popular R&B artists and performers.  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Splackavellie Central’s Deadliest R&B Warrior:  Al B. Sure! vs. Ginuwine. Place your bets & get on in here.

Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior pits the weapons and fighting styles of each fighter against each the other in the search for the winner, and this will work the same way.  Categories for this match are long range attacks, short range attacks, special weapons, and defensive weapons.  Two vocalists.  Two eras.  One knock-down, drag-out b!tchfight royale.

New Jack Swing legend Al B. Sure! and former stripper Ginuwine go toe to toe, putting their long range attacks, short range attacks, special weapons, and defensive weapons against each other.  First up:

LONG RANGE ATTACKS

Ginuwine: The Government Name. Ginuwine’s actual factual birth name is Elgin Baylor Lumpkin.  Who in their right mind would be afraid of someone named Elgin Lumpkin?  This is how he disarms his opponents; he tells them his real name and they relax a bit, sensing no competition, and then BAM!  Death is on your doorstep, ready to collect the rent.

Al B. Sure!:  The Best Of Discs of Doom. Did you know that Al B. Sure! released a Best of Al B. Sure! album in 2003?  Correction:  not just a Best Of album.  A Very Best Of album.  You didn’t ?  It’s okay.  Nobody else did either.  Because nobody bought them.  And since nobody bought them, Al B. has a seemingly endless arsenal of CDs with four pointy corners just aching to pierce some body rolling R&B flesh.  These discs are traditionally hurled at the eyes in order to do the most damage (the very best damage, if you will).

Though Al B. Sure! likely has enough CDs to hurl til Jesus comes back, he’s probably find out he was fightin’ some kid named Elgin and decide to save them for a REAL fight.  And that’s right where Mr. Lumpkin wants him.

SHORT RANGE ATTACKS

Ginuwine:  Ballistic Babyhair. You may have seen the three miles of babyhair on Ginuwine’s hairline and assumed that he either had Indian in his family or went a bit overboard with the Duke.  The perpetual moistness actually comes from glands just below the surface of his skin right at his hairline that produces a slick, Blue Magic hair grease-like substance when his fight-or-flight response is triggered.  These glands can produce enough of the substance to pool on the ground beneath the feet of his opponent, making it impossible for him to keep his balance, giving Ginuwine the upper hand.

Al B. Sure!:  The Unibrow Shank. Visually, Al B. Sure! is probably best known for his unibrow.  Not only is it a poor aesthetic decision, it’s also an unholy instrument of death and destruction.  His unibrow is a detachable, razor sharp dagger made more dangerous by its incredible length.  Shaving the connecting strip about cut the length of the shank in half, thus decreasing its effectiveness.  (If you ever see Al B. Sure! with fresh blood on his brows, know that he didn’t cut himself shaving–he cut somebody else, shanking.)

Ask your cousin JoJo doin’ a five-year bid upstate–nothin’ beats a shank.  Plus. have you ever gotten hair grease in your eye?  Ginuwine is way too cool to fight in protective goggles, so you can bet on his vision being obstructed.

SPECIAL WEAPONS

Ginuwine:  The Poison Pelvis. Remember how Ginuwine used to be a stripper?  He hung up his sequined G-string quite awhile ago, but he still has his stripper moves and is not afraid to use them for evil.  In all those hours on the stage at the Shake ‘Em Shack, he learned to effectively hypnotize onlookers with the deepest, most epic body rolls anyone has ever seen, caught on camera in his “Pony” video (at the 1:55 mark).  A few twists of the spine and rises of the pelvis and the opponent is rendered helpless and, for the female opponent, potentially pregnant.

Al B. Sure!:  Razor Sharp Notes. Al B. Sure! couldn’t sing.  He could tell you how he felt about you night and day, but could you listen to it for 24 hours straight?  Not hardly.  Your ears would bleed–and in battle, that’s what he’s counting on.  This note at 1:39?  Definitely a kill shot.

Even the best dancer can’t bump and grind effectively if he can’t find the beat nor the tune.  If Al B. Sure gets his mouth open before Ginuwine’s pelvis gets going (…), he’s got the upper hand.

And with a tally of two rounds to one, this week’s Deadliest R&B Warrior is…

AL B. SURE!

The unibrow is just too ridiculous and offensive to allow for any other outcome.

(**NOTE!!  Deadliest Warrior season 2 premiers on Spike TV TONIGHT at 8:30 pm!  Do yourself a favor and watch some historical motherf#ckers get killed to death!!)

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. April 20, 2010 7:42 pm

    Ginuwine may have the poison pelvis, but he also looks like he’s got some bony-ass legs under those pants! Every time he did the butterfly in that video I got distracted by his knees sticking out.

    Al B. Sure could sit on him and that’d be the end of the battle.

  2. April 20, 2010 8:26 pm

    I don’t know who would win, but I do know that the Dollar General nearest to the fight would have no S-Curl product left.

  3. Lite Bread permalink
    April 20, 2010 11:04 pm

    Ms. Brokey????!!!!
    Ride My Pony was about SEX???
    All these years I thought that vidjo was a cross-over attempt at the Cuntrey audience.

    This is why I read yer place – Edjucasion!

    • April 23, 2010 6:56 pm

      im here to teach the babies!

      • Lite Bread permalink
        July 29, 2010 7:42 pm

        “teach the babies”???

        I’m your “baby” now????

        I’s got a GIRL!!!!

        Oh. Not what ya meant? Sorry …

  4. April 21, 2010 12:55 am

    lmao @ the sheer concept.

    you’re insane.

  5. nichole permalink
    April 21, 2010 1:15 am

    i love this. i am in tears, laughing!

  6. April 21, 2010 2:08 am

    Yes! I was rooting for al b from jump. First of all I loved him since I was like 3, and still know all the words to night and day.
    Secondly, I have never liked ginuwine, despite the fact that he abd my boyfriend have the same body type and “good hurr.” I only have eyes for one bird chest.

    • April 23, 2010 6:56 pm

      you are officially the first person i have ever met who was not in love with Ginuwine for at LEAST 10 minutes. i know i stalked him for like 2 y ears.

  7. Caspercutie permalink
    April 21, 2010 6:20 am

    iCan’t with the Blue Magic defense mechanism.

  8. April 21, 2010 3:14 pm

    this post is epic on so many levels. bravo. i can’t wait to see who enters the battle ring next.

  9. nichole permalink
    April 21, 2010 6:33 pm

    okay. so i watched deadliest warriors last night for the first time.

    i LOVE this show.

    it’s almost sexy.

    and i feel some kinda way for thinking so. 😦

    • April 23, 2010 5:24 pm

      ALMOST sexy??! dude. maybe i’m weird, but… this show does kinda get the blood boiling.

      first, consider that it’s not rare to find a sexy man demonstrating the use of the killiest, most powerfully devastating weaponry in history. these aren’t your average men, either; they’re like black belts and martial arts masters and shit, so they’re very well built. one of the hosts is a black belt i think.

      so it’s not enough that they’re in great shape. they’re also commanding some very, very powerful instruments. that sentence alone sounds suggestive. but we all know how sexy power makes a man.

      and then, too, consider what happens with the weapon and poor Gel Torso, metaphorically. man has huge, powerful instrument in his hand. anticipation to see what the instrument builds until man uses instrument to thrust, or thrusts actual instrument into a body (albeit a gel torso). explosion. loss of fluids.

      total metaphorical sex.

      also, for me personally, this is the perfect nerdgirl porn. i loooove history and learning abt it. it moistens my learning organ.

      • nichole permalink
        April 26, 2010 10:47 pm

        it is sexy. i just didn’t want to seem like a total nerdslut.

        even the canadian biochemical engineer dude is a black belt.

        after watching the show, i totally went on an internet-research craze, looking up histories of samurai and ninjas and SWAT and GSG 9.

        and then i started thinking about all kinds of racial stuff.

        any time there is a white ethnic warrior against a non- white ethnicity, it seems like the white guy wins.

        and how did black folks end up as “animals” and “killing machines born to inflict violence” when william wallace whooped shaka zulu’s ass? answer me that, racist america!

      • Lite Bread permalink
        July 29, 2010 8:01 pm

        Racist America Answers:
        Let’s see here …

        Ugly Scotsman Wallace gets captured, handed over and Executed by King Edward 1. Beheaded I think (way to go!)

        Shaka (Zulu was the Tribal designation folks. Accuracy is Important in obscuring History …) gets Assassinated by his brothers for going “Idi Amin” on the group.

        Good Ol’ Mel gets to play-act as William, goes “bytch tirade” (he can do that WITHOUT acting) on them pesky Southerner’s …

        Hummm …

        Guess it’s just down to the usual Bigotry then …

        What was the question again? There was a point somewhere …

  10. MrQ45 permalink
    April 22, 2010 2:00 pm

    Was I the only one that cracked up at Al’s lack of a shirt underneath a double breasted suit jacket? With the pant legs intentionally rolled in to showcase his absent socks? I forgot how cool it was to only wear half of an outfit in the 90’s.

    And that note at 1:39 hurt. Really badly.

  11. April 23, 2010 6:15 am

    I just went to the video. He was trying so hard just to fail.

  12. April 23, 2010 5:34 pm

    LMFAO!!!! This is amazing.

  13. April 24, 2010 3:22 pm

    We share a common love of this show… Samuri vs Viking is my ish!!
    But this right here?? New levels of AWESOMESAUCE!!

  14. misterpalmer permalink
    May 1, 2010 1:19 am

    First off, I’m new here but, I LOVE THAT SHOW AND I LOVE THIS BLOG.
    I’ve never thought of Deadliest Warrior in a sex manor, but you explained your point so well, that, now I HAVE to…thanks.

    And word to Nichole. I love this show but I ALWAYS turn into “Conspiracy Brotha Jones” when I watch it!

  15. July 29, 2010 12:24 am

    I was CRYING GOOFY LAUGHING at the Al B. Sure! bad note. My girl was worried about my health.

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