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“Too Close:” A song about erections.

March 3, 2010

I think I probably danced to this one for a good two years before the inappropriateness set in.  The song, if you remember, tells the story of a young man dancing with a young woman at a party.  Harmless.  Nothing wrong with that.  …Until you actually consider the lyrics.

Step back
You’re dancin’ kinda close
Feel a little poke comin’ through
On you

O_0

For the slow-minded among us, that poke would be none other than his engorged, blood-filled penis.

GO AWAY, RON-RONpenis.

Now maybe my vagina is making me a bit biased and leading me to find this creepy; I’m sure that nearly every woman who has gone to dance at a club has had to deal with Ron-Ron following you around the dance floor, pelvis-first, trying to introduce his little man to your booty butt cheeks in the name of two-stepping.  Some women may enjoy this; let me not pretend that I’m representative of all women.  But me myself personally?  It kind of makes the Lorena Bobbit in my blood act up and is actually at the tops of my list of reasons why I don’t even go to clubs no more.  It’s also why this song is totally creepy as I listen to it now.

And it ain’t just me!!  The girl in the song don’t want it either!  She says it, very, very plainly, in the chorus:  ‘STEP BACK!  YOU’RE DANCIN’ KINDA CLOSE MOTHERFUCKER!’  And do you know what his reponse is??  “Now, girl I know you felt it/But ooh you know I can’t help it.

*blink*

That sounds like an impulse control problem to me.  Know who else had impulse control problems?  This guy.

Hi! Wanna dance?

Oh and it just starts out creepy.  The talking intro?  He’s so bold about it!  It’s not like a case of ‘oh, dear!  Your dancing and visage has caused in me an innate reaction that I am unable to control!  I hope she doesn’t notice!’  Uh, NO.  This negro calls attention to it!  He’s like, ‘yeah, you feel that?’  INAPPROPRIATE AS SHIT!  And then when the chick stops dancing, presumably because she’s uncomfortable, you know what this nasty ass says??  ‘Don’t stop now, you done did it!’

OMG NO MEANS NO!  (Watch and listen here.)

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. Ralonda permalink
    March 3, 2010 3:46 pm

    I’M SAYIN’! This song came out when I was in middle school and after like 3 listens, I REFROOSED to listen to this fuckery. I won’t listen to it to this day.

    • March 3, 2010 3:50 pm

      lol. i think that as a kid i realized that it was kinda creepy, but that was back when i listened to a lot of inappropriate shit justifying it by saying ‘i just like the beat!’ plus it was aaaaalll over the radio/BET. i had no proper defense.

  2. flask gordon permalink
    March 3, 2010 3:58 pm

    THANK YOU. the first time i heard this song i was like “i quit this bitch.” but also: the overall tired/ wackness of next (see: “butta love”) leads me to believe that these proprietary assholes & their s-curls have never dealt w/ anyone who didn’t look like an extra from jason’s lyric. hmph. gitcho crotch AWAY FROM ME, foo.

    • March 3, 2010 4:00 pm

      confession: if you started playing ‘butta love’ right now i’d get up and body roll like nobody’s business.

      im not proud of that.

      😦

      • KatrinaME permalink
        March 5, 2010 10:01 pm

        I can hardly type for laughing. You ARE A TRIP! <that's poetry right there.

  3. Fiqah permalink
    March 3, 2010 4:19 pm

    I loved this post so much I wanna make it a PSA. For like, The Club™ or temp assignments or, hell, even choir practice*. Anywhere where a woman might be horrified and dismayed to discover a stiffening peen worrying her unsuspecting booty butt cheeks. (*Choir practice. True story, thankfully not mine.)

    • March 4, 2010 1:37 pm

      so are u really not going to tell this choir practice story??

      • Fiqah permalink
        March 5, 2010 11:09 pm

        Let’s say it involved a “Holy Ghost” hug and some grave misunderstandings.

  4. March 3, 2010 4:31 pm

    Oh, it can get worse. Have you ever heard as song by them called “Splash” on the “Why Do Fools Fall In Love” soundtrack?

    Here’s an excerpt:
    Let me come, I just wanna splash in your lake of love
    Can I splash?
    As I used to play across you chocolate beaches
    I would always vision your love canal
    Dreaming I could reach it, oh yeah yeah
    And as I wade in your waters of passionate cream
    I realized, it’s not a dream
    I can finally splash, I don’t have ask, no

    Complete lyrics (if you’re not already grossed out) here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/splash-lyrics-next.html

  5. March 3, 2010 5:26 pm

    Sheeeeeit… only 2 years??

    Man, It was probably 2 years AGO that I realized how nasty this song is (ok, in my defense it was probably 5 years ago, but still…)

    ::sigh::

    Damn 90s R&B.

    You know what’s really not ok? Talmbout a poke. Don’t poke me on the dance floor. Control yourself you nasty-ass man.

  6. March 3, 2010 7:34 pm

    I was gonna email you saying that SC is not complete without an entry about this song. In fact, I wrote about it on my first blog (RIP)shortly after it came out to open a few eyes. It is my personal hallmark of inappropriateness. I shall send you a comprehensive list of the rest (cause I think about this wayyyy too much).

  7. Vitamin P permalink
    March 5, 2010 2:20 am

    The clue is in the video for that song. Why do you think they went for almost Hammer-esque bagginess in their pants?

  8. mil permalink
    March 8, 2010 2:58 pm

    you’re making it harrrrrrrrrrrrd for meeeeeeeeeee

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