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In this dream, James Brown is giving a concert.  At the end of this concert, James Brown spots Michael Jackson in the audience and calls him up on stage for an impromptu performance. Mike sings the words ‘I love you’ really passionately a couple of times in classic Mike fashion. Then, he dances as only Mike can and makes this into a really amazing moment. The crowd’s feeling good. Amazing.

Then Mike tells James Brown that Prince is in the audience. Then James Brown says, ‘SAYWHAAANAH!?!’  Then MJ tells him again that Prince is in the audience and it’d be a dope musical moment to bring him on stage. Then James Brown says, ‘HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’

Then James Brown announces Prince.

…Prince was high, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very high. Probably on cocaine. So…when he was announced by James Brown, Prince did the only thing someone who was blown out of his mind would do: he asked Santa Claus if he would take him to the stage on piggy back. Now, normally when you’re high and you ask Santa to take you on a piggyback ride… it isn’t really you’re talking to.  Instead, its your friend George who responds to your request by saying, ‘Say man…maybe I should take you home.’ But not when you’re Prince. Prince actually brought Santa F. Claus to the party! He gets his yultide piggy back ride, and James Brown thinks this is hilarious.

This dream is gettin’ kinda crazy, right?  It gets crazier.

So then Prince gets to the stage. He then bites off a glove he has on his hand and throws it into the crowd triumphantly as if to say ‘PRINCE IS HERE!’ Then an audience member throws the glove back, as if to respond ‘Nigga, we know.’  Prince then throws another glove into the audience because Prince always has to have the last word. Even when the last word is just a glove with a lot of sparkles on it.

Then James Brown tells Prince he, quote, ‘HASTADOSUMMM!’  And there is no way Prince hit that stage with the intent of doing nothing. Not with that much coke in his system. So, he grabs a guitar: exactly what everyone was hoping Prince would do.  Expectations for the audience members skyrocket!

Then Prince goes over to some of James’ people and says ‘Uuuuuuuuh….how do you use this thing?’ He was that high, ladies and gentlemen. They told him, he remembered, then Prince politely ripped it for about a minute and a half. Then he started rubbing his nose.

Then Prince smelled his finger. Like…really dramatically. Then he starts breathing really hard…which culminates in him smacking the guitar and making the same noise I would make if I were trying to play the guitar. Then that cocaine gets so good to him that he’s GOT TA take his 80s jacket off, so he hands it to someone and turns around to see the microphone. But he’s mystified as to how its standing. Prince was like: ‘WHAT IN THE HELL!?! ARE YALL SEEING THIS!?! LOOK AT THIS MICROPHONE STANDING ALL BY ITSELF! THE MECHANICS ARE PERFECTLY AMAZING! ITS MY MAGIC HANDS THAT MUST BE ALLOWING IT TO STAND ALONE BY ITSELF ON ITS OWN!’

Prince then moves the microphone around so good that it apparently hurts his head. To express this pain, Prince gets to the mic and screeches a squeal that would later be used in the 90’s as the noise for velociraptors in the movie Jurassic Park.

Then he realized that people don’t want to see him sing; they want to see him dance erotically.  So, Prince does what he does. Then he stops abruptly and holds up 2 fingers and makes everyone clap 1 time in a fun game of Simon says. Prince gets freaked out by the fact that he is in complete control over their ability to clap, and as such, he bows and exits the stage. But not before he drops a streetlight down on that hatin’ ass dude that threw the glove back at him. Prince never forgets.  And neither does Santa.

Now, the best thing about this dream:  IT ACTUALLY FREAKING HAPPENED.  And someone videotaped it.  And here it is.

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Ladies, I’m willing to bet money that you’ve experienced this before.  You’re walking down the street, minding your own damned business, when a man approaches you.  He’s got that look in his eye; maybe he’s even rubbing his hands together and/or licking his lips.  You steel yourself for what you know is about to transpire.  He speaks.

“Hey, how you doin’ Miss Lady?”  You smile weakly, or maybe you roll your eyes, or maybe you don’t respond at all.  It doesn’t matter.  He’s got a goal; he’s locked in and focused.  He gives you a few other pleasantries (“You look nice today; “I like your hair;” “Damn, you got a fat ass,” etc.) and then gets to it.  Can he have your number?  Call you sometimes?  Maybe take you out to dinner?  No, thank you.  Why not?  You got a man?  Maybe you have one, and you respond in kind.  Or, maybe you don’t have one, but you tell him you do anyway just to get him to go away.  And then he hits you with it:

“That’s cool; we can just be friends.”

This is where your vagina, ideally, activate its security system and raise the terror threat level to magenta.

Lots of men genuinely seem to not understand the problem in trying to be a woman’s friend after she’s rebuffed their romantic advances.  The problem is this: you don’t really want to be her friend.  You want more than that, evidenced in the fact that 2 minutes ago, you were trying to take her on a romantic date to the finest Steak n’ Shake in town.  You don’t want to be her friend; you want to get your foot in the door, win her trust, wait for a vulnerable moment to exploit, then move in for the kill.

That’s essentially what Shai’s “Comforter” is about.  This song is an entire plea to be let out of the friend zone.  If this song was an actual person, his name would be Antoine.  Or Andre.  Antoinedre.  Antoinedre has an s-curl and sneakers that are always suspiciously white.

“I’m so glad we’re friends. I hope I marry someone just like you. Literally. Literally just like you. Same face, name, mom, everything.”

You and Antoinedre met under non-threatening circumstances; through a friend, or on Twitter.  You gradually become friends, and through it all, he never makes a direct pass at you… he peppers your Instagram and Facebook with comments like “damn, sis, if we were such good friends, I’d want a cup of that, LOL” and “mmm mmm look at my wife! lol jk jk jk.”  He encourages you to confide in him about all your shitty relationships, and when you finally break up with your man, Antoinedre is there waiting with open arms.  He invites you to “lay down and tell (him) what’s on your mind,” because “when you’re in pain, (he’s) in pain–that’s part of being a friend.”  Aww.  So considerate.  Soon you start to feel better and you thank Antoindre for listening.  He responds:

I’m just glad I could be here for you
When you need a helping hand

..but then:

But deep inside my heart, from the start
I know I should have been your man

And there you go.  True colors revealed.  All this time you thought he was hanging around because you’re a nice person?  Nope!  Shai & Antoinedre want something from you.  Sigh.  Don’t they always?

I don’t know what’s worse:  this sneaky, snake-in-the-grass approach, or Keith Sweat’s straight-forward, uber aggressive, repeated request for a promotion.  “(There You Go) Tellin’ Me  No Again” is essentially 5 minutes of “BUT WHY? WHY CAN’T I BE YOUR MAN?  WHY WHY WHY PLEASE WHY WHY WHY NOT COME ON PLEASE COME ON WHY.”  If this song was a person, he’d be Eldrick, the dude who stands outside of the corner store all day who asks for your number every single time he sees you, no matter how many times you tell him no.

There should be a “Let Me Out of the Friend Zone” Mixtape.  What else would be on it?

Recently, Smyph reminded me of how hard Silk’s “Lose Control” went–and still goes.  It’s right up there with Boyz II Men’s “50 Candles” on my list of 1990s songs worth having sex to (and let me tell you, “50 Candles” is sacred to me.  When I’m feeling sad and down on myself, I lay out some polka dot pajamas, run a bubble bath and pretend I’m in the video).

This song, though, is intense as hell.  It’s not odd for R&B songs to end in a chorus of strong screamy ad libs, but that doesn’t typically start happening before the first minute and a half.  Here – skip to 1:05 and as you listen, imagine what these dudes’ vocal cords must have felt like by minute 2.  They proceed to sing their entire faces off the entire song.

Something else that always threw me off about this song.  The first line:  “Last night, we had an argument–you told me you loved me.”  Did they have a fight because she told him she loves him?

Lady:  I love you, baby.
Dude:  GETTIN REAL TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT, LONETTA

Or was it the other way around?

At any rate, the most ridiculous thing about this song is that Silk isn’t in a studio somewhere right now.  Them boys sang.  You *have* to watch them sing this song live at the Apollo (question – who stapled all that construction paper to Mark Curry’s vest?).  Check out the lead getting in your girlfriend’s face and showing your favorite singer how it’s done at the end.

Sang. His.  Face.  OFF.

Maybe that’s why they’re not singing anymore.  Kinda hard to tour without a face.

I’MA KILL YOU RIGHT AFTER I DO THE KID N’ PLAY WIT MY MANS & NEM!

DMX’s “Get It On The Floor” is kind of bi-polar.  You know what probably happened with this song?  DMX was probably walking into the studio with a huge stack of random items.  A pizza box, a set of encyclopedias, a basketball, three of those pink flamingo lawn ornament things your Memaw has in her front lawn, a really big Dagwood sandwich, and and the top of all that, two binders.  One binder full of song verses, and another binder full of song choruses.  As soon as he get into the studio, someone says, “Oh, hey, X, I’m glad you’re here; can you hold this feather for me?” and they toss the feather on top of all his stuff and it becomes to heavy and his legs do the wobbly cartoon thing for like 5 minutes and just when you think he’s got it, he falls and it all comes crashing down.  Then all the verses and choruses get mixed up.  Frustrated and unwilling to put all the correct verses and choruses together, DMX randomly picks two and steps inside the booth.
That’s how you get a party song full of murder, guns, death and bullets and slit throats.

Now to be fair, what DMX songs aren’t about killing people (also, fellatio)?  It could very well be that DMX just can’t not talk about killing people, and this song makes a very strong case for that.  “Get It On The Floor” seems to be a song about getting on the dance floor and having a good old diddy boppin’ time, until you get to the first verse.  And the second.  And the third.  I’ll paraphrase:

[chorus]

Hey everybody, it’s time to dance!
We’re havin’ a party!  Hey alright!  This is cool!
Let’s go to the dance floor and have a good time!
Everybody likes to dance! Check out this move!

[verse 1]

I SAW THIS NIGGA IN THE STREET AND THEN I SHOT EM
HE LOOKED AT ME TOO LONG
I POKED HIS EYES OUT WITH A PENCIL AND WROTE A LETTER TO HIS MOMS
IN HIS OWN BLOOD
I PUT SOME DYNAMITE IN HIS EARS AND LIT IT
DEATH DEATH DIE NIGGA YOU GOTTA GO

[chorus]

Wow this party’s jumpin!  It’s a really good time!
Remember this dance?  What about that dance?
This DJ is awesome!  I’m working up a sweat!
I’m thirsty, but this is my song, I can’t leave now!

[verse 2]

I SEEN YO COUSIN AT THE MALL SO I THREW A GRENADE AT EM
NOW HIS ARMS IS AT BATH AND BODYWORKS
BUT HIS HEAD IS IN DICK’S SPORTING GOODS
SPEAKIN OF DICKS YOU CAN SUCK MINE REAL SLOW
BUT IMA KILL YOU FIRST WITH THIS BAZOOKA FULL OF PIRANHAS
MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER

And so on and so forth.
Now obviously those aren’t the actual lyrics, but I’m not far off.  Seriously, go look.

Brian McKnight wants to show you how your vagina works.

I have questions and concerns.

Okay, so there’s a youtube clip circulating on Twitter right now of Brian McKnight giving the internets a snippet of a new song he’s working on as part of a new mixtape.  An “adult” mixtape.  And by “adult” he means desperate sex (when you read that, please be sure to put ‘sexy’ in air quotes).

The song is called “If You’re Ready to Learn.”  He removed the youtube vid, but thankfully the internet never forgets and you can see it here on World Star Hip Hop.  If you can’t hear/watch the video for some reason, the chorus goes–and I am NOT making this up:

Let me show you how your pussy works
Since you didn’t bring it to me first
I have lots of things to show you
If you’re ready to learn
Let me show you how your pussy works
Bet you didn’t know that it could squirt
I have lots of things to show you
If you’re ready to learn

Brian.  BRIAN!  This is uncomfortable and presumptuous! First of all, what makes you think that I don’t know how my own vagina works?  It’s my damn vagina!  We’ve spent nearly 30 years together!  WE TIGHT!*  Furthermore, I have a damn degree!  That means I’M NOT STUPID.  I know what’s happening in there!  How dare you come into MY house telling ME about MY vagina.

And further some more, what makes you qualified to teach anybody about their reproductive equipment?  I doubt your medical credentials, sir!  You got a OBGYN degree?  If so, I’ll chill.  Just show me some proof.  I wanna see the degree.  The receipts.  At least some evidence of student loan debt.  Actually you don’t even have to do all that–I know you don’t have one because YOU SAY IT IN THE SONG.  And I quote:

I did my post-grad in sociology/so what I tell you might seem strange

Pardon my French, but fuckin’ right it’s strange!  SOCIOLOGY?! Why am I going to listen to anything you have to tell me about my vagina?!  That’s like me running up into NASA like, “I have an MA in poetry, but I’d really like to build this nuclear fission bomb atomizer for you.”  If I walk into my gyno’s office and see a degree in Finnish language and culture hanging on the wall, guess what I’m doing?

I am respectfully pulling up my panties and walking home.  Which is what I suspect will happen whenever Brian McKnight comes around thanks to this masquerading ass song because WE HAVE FOUND YOU OUT!  Don’t be fooled, ladies!  This man can NOT read your pap smears!!  He is NOT A TRAINED GYNECOLOGICALIST!  He is using lies, trickery and R&B ninja voodoo to gain access to your love pouches!

"Bitch, you wasn't with me writin dissertations on cervical cancer!"

He is creepy and is not interested in your cervical health.  This man couldn’t Hippocratic oath his way out of a wet paper bag.  Trust me on this one.

How dare you, Brian.  How dare you, indeed.  I mean there has to be some other logical explanation for something like this, right?

….oh.

You know who else that didn’t work well for?

Her.

*…see what I did there?

**note: the views of brokey do not necessarily reflect the views of smyph who has completely different thoughts on all of this.

In 1996, Master P and TRU made a good case for potential untreated paranoid schizophrenia with their release of ‘Somebody’s Watching Me.’

This video made me realize that you can truly tell the shape of our economy by the level of flossiness found in rap videos. In this video, it is clear that we were NOT in a recession. Master P could afford things that are really amazing when you consider it. Fur coats? Got those. Bad gold chains? Hell yeah. Airplanes!? You know it!

Master P could also afford to put an extremely ugly dude on the hook and have him fly way too close to the camera. I mean, why not, right? If no one watches this video because the dude singing the hook looks like his face is made of melted wax, we’ll just make another video and replace Ugly Hook Dude with the talking dolphin from Sea Quest. THAT, my friends, is how money talks!

Master P also paid to have his brother have a rapping career, which is truly a financial feat! Silk da Shocker is the WORST rapper of all time, pound for pound. Others may challenge him… but his verse on this song is one of the worst things ever.  Here are some excerpts:

And I be seeing shit that ain’t there,
It ain’t there, but I be seein shit
I be in places without even bein seen there
But be seen in places without even bein there

and

Be having nightmares in the day
I be woke, but I be sleep
I looked at shock the nigga but I turned around and it was me

Those are actual words he says.  And then he insists that he’s not paranoid.  Yeah… he’s awful.  And also maybe unstable.

Also, after watching this video I am absolutely convinced that Master P invented rap hands. Nobody uses their hands better to display irrelevant emotions like P.

Nobody.

Clarence Carter – Backdoor Santa
Official:  Clarence Carter is the worst Santa Claus ever in life.  He comes into your house, sends you out to play, has sex with your mom, doesn’t leave you a single gift, and scurries off before your dad comes home.  The good news:  the “backdoor” part is not an allusion to anal escapades (that we know of..what Santa Carter and your mom do behind closed doors is their business).  The back door is how he makes his escape if there’s no chimney in the house.  And how many houses with chimneys do you know of in the hood?  Exactly.

New Kids On The Block – Funky Funky Christmas

This is hilarious. A bunch of white guys from Boston dancing extremely hard because their song has no real lyrics. Even the Chorus is really unenthusiastic. They keep asking each other if they’re ready in the middle of the song. In my opinion, if the song has already started, asking if someone is ready is a dead issue. Also, I don’t remember the New Kids rapping so much. And no Christmas song requires that much body rolling and pelvic thrusting.  Either way…this song is really bad. Its not as bad as Arsenio’s Gordon Gartrell Jacket though. That’s the worst.

Rap Allstars – Last Christmas
This song is done by the Rap Allstars. The group of people singing/rapping this song are anything but AllStars. They aren’t even AllStars for the D-League.  What they are is an assortment of rappers with a bad chorus. The video is very 98’ though. Bubble coats, fish eyed lenses, etc. The song though…the song is bad. The guy kind of sounds like a foreign George Michaels. Like…a MORE foreign George Michaels. How he met these Rap All stars I’ll never know.

Master P West Coast Bad Boyz – High Fo Christmas 
What happens when Master P makes a Christmas song?  Exactly what you think.

The Ying Yang Twinz – Various Needlessly Crunk Christmas Songs
Christmas songs  by the Ying Yang Twinz probably sound exactly like you think they’d sound. Loud.  Full of strippers.  Crunk.  Needlessly so.  They’d be right at home here.  No one should come into anything Christmas related this hyped. There’s just no reason for it. Its almost unbelievable that the Ying Yang Twins had a Christmas album…until you consider that they don’t have much else to do these days.  Here’s Deck Da Club, Carol of Da Bellz, and Ho Ho.

(Secret confession from Brokey McPoverty:  I kind of like these.  I am not proud of this.)

Jim Jones – White Christmas
Get your pink outfits ready!  Its gonna be a very Dipset Christmas. Jim Jones tryna stay wet in the midst of a drought! Ever wonder why rappers hate so hard on Santa Claus? Maybe because he’s flier then they are… even if only once a year.

David Banner – The Christmas Song
This just in: David Banner hates Christmas and loves to cuss. And we just talked about how much rappers hate Christmas. This isn’t a bad song necessarily…its just amazing to hear how much David Banner cusses at Christmas.

H-Town – Knockin Boots for Christmas
Lets not even start with the song. Lets start with the album cover. Luke and (who I assume to be) his two kids. Baby girl by his leg is serving it up with the over-the-shoulder POW! look. Luke shooting the finger gun. All of this would be fine if the songs he had on his album were wholesome…but alas…it is Luke. And Luke’s Christmas has to be a little freaky, which means… this may not be the best place to be posing with your children.  The song is H-Town’s classic song about boot knockin’ with a yuletide twist, which is pretty much an all around bad idea. It’s a knockin boots Chrimuuuuus!

B2K –  Why’d You Leave Me On Christmas
Checking in with the corniest Lyrics most definitely written by Marques Houston, B2K tells some girl all the stuff they bought her for Christmas and wonders why she left him. My guess:  all that baby hair. Ginuwine is the only dude I knew that could get away with having baby hair AND ladies. Omarion and Ginwune are different people. I’m pretty sure we can all agree with that. All together…this is a pretty corny song and equals not-so-great.

Oobie – This Sexy Christmas
There was once a girl named Oobie who sang hooks for Lil Jon.  These hooks contained such poetry as “Oh na na na na/I’m so horny/and I want you to f#ck me/I’m tired of masturbating.”  After a musical project like there, clearly the next stop is Christmas. I was wondering what the worst version of Donnie Hathaway’s “This Christmas” was…apparently it is Oobie’s version. Of course her Christmas is going to be a sexy one. Way sexier than previous Christmases.  This is a great way to get haunted by the angry spirit of Donnie Hathaway for the rest of your life.

Dirty Boyz – All I Want for Christmas
Dirty Boyz just want to get crunk for Christmas. Well…that’s not all really. They also what Gucci sweaters, and Sega Genisis tapes,  back child support, four pounds of chitlins, liberty and justice for all, and a number of other things. But mainly they just want to get crunk.  Who can be mad at that?  (Answer:  we can.)

Holidelic – Sugar Rump Fairies and any other song they have ever done.
This is the most amazing Christmas thing ever, by far our  favorite discovery of the season.  As best as I can tell, there is a funkadelic like group that gets together once a year to perform funk-holiday songs. I think that’s amazing enough. But their whole presentation is amazing to me. This awesome is horrible and great at the same time. Words cannot do any of their videos justice. You literally have to see them to believe anything else I have to say.

Merry Christmas er’body!

"This some bullsh!t!"

You may be saying to yourself, “weren’t these results supposed to be announced January 2nd?”  And to that we say, shut up!  Unless your name is God, you’re totally not allowed to judge us.

Anywhom, we present to you, ladies and gentlejerks, the most ridiculous musical beings of 2010.

WORST R&B SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Various Motherf#ckers – “We Are The World 2010″:  “I maintain that Mr. PacMan is the worst song of 2010, but I vote for “We Are The World” because Vince Vaughn was in it.  There’s no reason for Vince Vaughn to sing.”
  
• Brokey – Various Motherf#ckers – We Are the World 2010:  “Wyclef’s warbling eclipses even Keri’s epileptic vajayjay.”

Who you voted for:

Keri Hilson by one itty bitty point!  You’ve officially been judged as worse than Wyclef’s warbling.. good luck dealing with that.

WORST RAP SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – MC Hammer – Better Run Run: “Soulja Boy at least knew his song was silly.  It was SUPPOSED to be silly.  Hammer was serious.  It didn’t even rhyme sometimes.”
• Brokey – Nicki Minaj – “Right Through Me”:  “No really, wtf is a “haddiyow?!”

Who you voted for:

Soulja Boy & his pretty boy swag! More like Almost Tolerable To Look At Boy Swag.  Amiright?!

BEST VIRAL VIDEO/SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – The Bed Intruder Song:  “They made an already ridiculous moment EVEN MORE ridiculous, and then made money off of it.  Who’s done better than that?”
• Brokey – Rev. Rozay BMF Gospel Remix:  “Because really, I really do think I could be Paul.  For serious.”

Who you voted for:

Yung Humma feat. Flynt Flossy! I’m not even mad at this.  I will point out, though, that they likely got so many votes from their faithful followers after they tweeted the link to the voting page.  But as I said.  Not mad.  *tosses frying pan* *pelvic thrusts*

WORST VIRAL SONG/VIDEO.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Lil B – Look Like Jesus:  “This guy is an awful rapper and a horrible human being. It’s hard to sit through and watch the whole thing.”
• Brokey – Lil B – Look Like Jesus:  “Now I love me some ignorant music, but.. I had to say a few Hail Marys after listening to this.”

Who you voted for:

Lil B da Based God! Good call, family.  Good call.

WORST BEEF OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z:  “When Lil Kim said Nicki stole her swag, it almost made sense. When Hammer said Jay-z stole his swag…it made no sense at all. Jay has never danced and lost a lot of money. What else is there to steal?”
• Brokey – MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z – Better Run Run: He’s dissing somebody who never even dissed him, ever. King Hammer?  More like King BOO BOO THE FOOL!  *raises hand in the air, waits for a high-five*  *slowly has a seat*

Who you voted for:

MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z! Ridiculousness:  universally agreed upon.

MOST RIDICULOUS TRIP TO JAIL.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – T.I.:  “T.I, cause he decided to play a real life version of the Monopoly game that everyone wants to quit.”
• Brokey – T.I.:  “You kind of expect DMX to always be going to jail.  But come on, T.I.  No excuse for you.

Who you voted for:

T.I.! Everybody thinks you’re dumb!

WORST OVERALL EFFORT.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Chingy:  “Vengence will be his on his next album, entitled “Balling Again??! (Double or Less Than Nothing)” Ft. Plies, Ke$sha, and VINCE VAUGHN!”
• Brokey - N.E.R.D: “I would have voted for Coochie-poppin’ Kerry, but I took N.E.R.D’s suckage personally.  I LOVE them, and they treat me that way?? WTF!”

Who you voted for:

Chingy! Don’t be too mad, Chingy.. this is likely the only award you’ve won in the last 5 years.

THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. Note!  We decided to name this Award after the first runner-up, to be so referenced in the future.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – 50 Tyson: “That kid ruined my entire summer.”
  
• Brokey -50 Tyson:  “Boys call him 50, girls call him Tyson.  WHAT ARE YOU HATING ON RIGHT NOW?!”

Who you voted for:

Flynt Flossy! Driven way up by the fans, but we ain’t mad!

And, in accordance, this award shall henceforth now and forever more be titled the 50 Tyson Lifetime Achievement Award.

There you have ‘em!  May 2011 be filled with some extra special ridiculousness for next year’s awards!  Thanks for voting!  Sorry this was put up so late!  GET OFF MY BACK!!

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Greetings, all, and welcome to the first annual ever in life Splackie Awards, where we award the best and worst (but mostly worst) musical events, people, and happenings of the year.  The most awesome thing about this is that it’s totally people’s choice.  Well, kind of.  We did pick the categories and nominees, but YOU get to vote on them!

Let’s get this crazy train rollin’ with our first category:

Worst R&B Song of the Year.

• Keri Hilson – The Way You Love Me: Poor lil Keri.  So much vagina popping for such a mediocre song.
• H-Town - Call Me Mr. Pacman: Apparently, Pacman was a “stone freak undercover.”  Who knew?
• Various Motherf#ckers – We Are the World 2010: Because the first one just wasn’t cringe-worthy enough.
• Lloyd – Lay It Down: If only he didn’t break out into a yodeling fit at the end, we might could forgive this.

Worst Rap Song of the Year.

• MC Hammer – Better Run Run: Remember when MC Hammer tried to go  thug with “Pumps and a Bump?” It’s that all over again, but worse.
• Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag: Whoever told him that rhyming like an asthmatic in the middle of an attack lied to him.
• Nicki Minaj – Right Through Me: And whoever told her that “haddiyow” is a word did the same.
• Plies feat. Keri Hilson – Medicine: When metaphors go horribly wrong and are put over terrible beats and delivered by bad rappers.

Best Viral Video/Song.

• Antoine Dodson – The Bed Intruder Song: If you say you never caught yourself singing this song when it wasn’t even on, you’re lying.
• Yung Humma feat. Flynt Flossy – Fried or Fertilized: I like this song so much, I wouldn’t get mad if a dude said this to me at a club*. (*editor’s note – yes I would.)
• Rev. Rozay BMF Gospel Remix: I THINK I’M PAUL!  I THINK I’M DANIEL IN THE LION’S DEN!  I WHOOPED GOLIATH!
• Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy, Wacka Flocka – Shawtbus Shawty: Hannah Montanamah?
• Old dude from American Idol – Pants on the Ground:If your grandad was this cool you wouldn’t get mad when he told you to get off his lawn.

Worst Viral Video/Song.

• Antoine Dodson – Bed Intruder Song: Sure it was awesome, but now he’s EVERYWHERE.  Hasn’t it been 15 minutes already?!
• Bangs – Take You to the Movies: I don’t even know what to say here.
  
• Baby Buggz – I Goes Ham: …Oh we’re mad, alright. But probably not why you think we are.
  
• Lil B da Based God – Look Like Jesus: So blasphemous we almost didn’t even put it here.

Worst Beef of the Year.

• Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim:Girl gets record deal.  Girl puts on green wig. Woman who is no longer rapping gets mad. Girl continues to make money.  Woman continues to cluck and turn herself into a white woman.
• MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z: “King Hammer” thought Jay-Z dissed him, so he made a song claiming that Jay-Z “stole (his) swag.”  He also implied that Jay is a devil worshipper and baptized him in the video.  …Yeah.
• Fabolous vs. Soulja Boy: They were fighting over Kat Stacks?  Even if you win, you still lose.
• Kat Stacks vs. Everybody/the Internet: Okay, I still don’t get this.  People keep putting up videos of them beating this girl up in public.  What?  Why?  Who even is she?
• Tyrese vs. the English Language: If you’re going to dole out wisdom on Twitter, be wise enough to spell things correctly.

Most Ridiculous Trip to Jail.

• DMX:  Went to jail.  Again.  Probably for drugs.  Again.
• T.I.:Go to jail.  Get out of jail.  Get busted and go BACK to jail less than a year later.  You big dummy!
• Ja Rule:  Tell the truth–you didn’t even know he went back to jail, did you?
• Lil Boosie: Truth told, I thought he was already in jail when he got sent this time.

Worst Overall Effort.

• N.E.R.D: Their album, “Nothing,” was aptly titled, because there was nothing on it we wanted to hear again.  Nothing.
• Keri Hilson: She only sold about 3 records, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.  ‘Cause she tried hard. …Too hard.
• Ciara: Either sold three less or three more than Keri.  We keep forgetting.
• Chingy:  Undersold everybody with a whopping 683 albums.
• Diddy Dirty Money: Known also as Diddy, Dawn, and That Other Girl.  Thank Moses that was the last train to Paris, cause I couldn’t stand another one.

and now… The Splackavellie Central Lifetime Achievement Award.

• Flynt Flossy of (Turquoise Jeep Records): The lacefront goatee.  The silky smoove vocals.  The Smangit dance.  All win everything.
• 50 Tyson: His story of achieving his dream in spite of his autism is beautiful. Plus he was born to be a ball player.
• The Worst DJ Ever: This guy smacked up some chick’s titties at a wedding in front of children and nobody flinched. He has to be some kind of amazing.
• Jimmy McMillan: He’s a karate expert and he ran for governor of New York on a pretty batshit platform. But did you know he wrote his own soundtrack? Hell yeah, he did!

Polls are open til winners/losers are announced on January 2, 2011!  See you next year!

"Happy Kwanzaa, b!tch!"

This is the video story of a kid who thought Christmas BOPPED! …Literally.

You probably don’t remember “Real Christmas” by the Illtown Family but they used to play it on BET all the time back in the day.  If you don’t remember Illtown Family, it was basically a bunch of R&B acts you never heard of, and Next.  The song is really your stereotypical 90s R&B Christmas posse cut. It comes complete with 90s cliches, bad weaves, and horrible R&B group/singer names (shout out to 4MAT). But there’s something special about this song. There is one guy who stands out in this video and he thinks this Christmas song BOPS!

To illustrate this…the kid proceeds to bop and bounce his shoulders ridiculously hard the entire video while making overly expressive faces. It is believed that this kid had to ice his shoulders down after this video due to the extreme nature of his boppy-ness.

Here are some of my other favorite moments:

-00:8 The bop begins. That look on his face means it’s about to go down.

-1:33 R.L. tells us that his love is not material. It’s physical …and its spirit-chew-al. Which is greater than spiritual.

-1:47 This guy gets a baby bottle as a Kwanzaa gift and he loves it. Not sure what happened there.

-2:44 The big bopper holds up the #4 while bopping. It just looks funny.

Merry Christmas everyone! …But keep it real.

(Thanks to Charles270 for sharing this via his Tumblr!)