Clarence Carter – Backdoor Santa
Official:  Clarence Carter is the worst Santa Claus ever in life.  He comes into your house, sends you out to play, has sex with your mom, doesn’t leave you a single gift, and scurries off before your dad comes home.  The good news:  the “backdoor” part is not an allusion to anal escapades (that we know of..what Santa Carter and your mom do behind closed doors is their business).  The back door is how he makes his escape if there’s no chimney in the house.  And how many houses with chimneys do you know of in the hood?  Exactly.

New Kids On The Block – Funky Funky Christmas

This is hilarious. A bunch of white guys from Boston dancing extremely hard because their song has no real lyrics. Even the Chorus is really unenthusiastic. They keep asking each other if they’re ready in the middle of the song. In my opinion, if the song has already started, asking if someone is ready is a dead issue. Also, I don’t remember the New Kids rapping so much. And no Christmas song requires that much body rolling and pelvic thrusting.  Either way…this song is really bad. Its not as bad as Arsenio’s Gordon Gartrell Jacket though. That’s the worst.

Rap Allstars – Last Christmas
This song is done by the Rap Allstars. The group of people singing/rapping this song are anything but AllStars. They aren’t even AllStars for the D-League.  What they are is an assortment of rappers with a bad chorus. The video is very 98’ though. Bubble coats, fish eyed lenses, etc. The song though…the song is bad. The guy kind of sounds like a foreign George Michaels. Like…a MORE foreign George Michaels. How he met these Rap All stars I’ll never know.

Master P West Coast Bad Boyz – High Fo Christmas 
What happens when Master P makes a Christmas song?  Exactly what you think.

The Ying Yang Twinz – Various Needlessly Crunk Christmas Songs
Christmas songs  by the Ying Yang Twinz probably sound exactly like you think they’d sound. Loud.  Full of strippers.  Crunk.  Needlessly so.  They’d be right at home here.  No one should come into anything Christmas related this hyped. There’s just no reason for it. Its almost unbelievable that the Ying Yang Twins had a Christmas album…until you consider that they don’t have much else to do these days.  Here’s Deck Da Club, Carol of Da Bellz, and Ho Ho.

(Secret confession from Brokey McPoverty:  I kind of like these.  I am not proud of this.)

Jim Jones – White Christmas
Get your pink outfits ready!  Its gonna be a very Dipset Christmas. Jim Jones tryna stay wet in the midst of a drought! Ever wonder why rappers hate so hard on Santa Claus? Maybe because he’s flier then they are… even if only once a year.

David Banner – The Christmas Song
This just in: David Banner hates Christmas and loves to cuss. And we just talked about how much rappers hate Christmas. This isn’t a bad song necessarily…its just amazing to hear how much David Banner cusses at Christmas.

H-Town – Knockin Boots for Christmas
Lets not even start with the song. Lets start with the album cover. Luke and (who I assume to be) his two kids. Baby girl by his leg is serving it up with the over-the-shoulder POW! look. Luke shooting the finger gun. All of this would be fine if the songs he had on his album were wholesome…but alas…it is Luke. And Luke’s Christmas has to be a little freaky, which means… this may not be the best place to be posing with your children.  The song is H-Town’s classic song about boot knockin’ with a yuletide twist, which is pretty much an all around bad idea. It’s a knockin boots Chrimuuuuus!

B2K –  Why’d You Leave Me On Christmas
Checking in with the corniest Lyrics most definitely written by Marques Houston, B2K tells some girl all the stuff they bought her for Christmas and wonders why she left him. My guess:  all that baby hair. Ginuwine is the only dude I knew that could get away with having baby hair AND ladies. Omarion and Ginwune are different people. I’m pretty sure we can all agree with that. All together…this is a pretty corny song and equals not-so-great.

Oobie – This Sexy Christmas
There was once a girl named Oobie who sang hooks for Lil Jon.  These hooks contained such poetry as “Oh na na na na/I’m so horny/and I want you to f#ck me/I’m tired of masturbating.”  After a musical project like there, clearly the next stop is Christmas. I was wondering what the worst version of Donnie Hathaway’s “This Christmas” was…apparently it is Oobie’s version. Of course her Christmas is going to be a sexy one. Way sexier than previous Christmases.  This is a great way to get haunted by the angry spirit of Donnie Hathaway for the rest of your life.

Dirty Boyz – All I Want for Christmas
Dirty Boyz just want to get crunk for Christmas. Well…that’s not all really. They also what Gucci sweaters, and Sega Genisis tapes,  back child support, four pounds of chitlins, liberty and justice for all, and a number of other things. But mainly they just want to get crunk.  Who can be mad at that?  (Answer:  we can.)

Holidelic – Sugar Rump Fairies and any other song they have ever done.
This is the most amazing Christmas thing ever, by far our  favorite discovery of the season.  As best as I can tell, there is a funkadelic like group that gets together once a year to perform funk-holiday songs. I think that’s amazing enough. But their whole presentation is amazing to me. This awesome is horrible and great at the same time. Words cannot do any of their videos justice. You literally have to see them to believe anything else I have to say.

Merry Christmas er’body!

"This some bullsh!t!"

You may be saying to yourself, “weren’t these results supposed to be announced January 2nd?”  And to that we say, shut up!  Unless your name is God, you’re totally not allowed to judge us.

Anywhom, we present to you, ladies and gentlejerks, the most ridiculous musical beings of 2010.

WORST R&B SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Various Motherf#ckers – “We Are The World 2010″:  “I maintain that Mr. PacMan is the worst song of 2010, but I vote for “We Are The World” because Vince Vaughn was in it.  There’s no reason for Vince Vaughn to sing.”
  
• Brokey – Various Motherf#ckers – We Are the World 2010:  “Wyclef’s warbling eclipses even Keri’s epileptic vajayjay.”

Who you voted for:

Keri Hilson by one itty bitty point!  You’ve officially been judged as worse than Wyclef’s warbling.. good luck dealing with that.

WORST RAP SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – MC Hammer – Better Run Run: “Soulja Boy at least knew his song was silly.  It was SUPPOSED to be silly.  Hammer was serious.  It didn’t even rhyme sometimes.”
• Brokey – Nicki Minaj – “Right Through Me”:  “No really, wtf is a “haddiyow?!”

Who you voted for:

Soulja Boy & his pretty boy swag! More like Almost Tolerable To Look At Boy Swag.  Amiright?!

BEST VIRAL VIDEO/SONG OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – The Bed Intruder Song:  “They made an already ridiculous moment EVEN MORE ridiculous, and then made money off of it.  Who’s done better than that?”
• Brokey – Rev. Rozay BMF Gospel Remix:  “Because really, I really do think I could be Paul.  For serious.”

Who you voted for:

Yung Humma feat. Flynt Flossy! I’m not even mad at this.  I will point out, though, that they likely got so many votes from their faithful followers after they tweeted the link to the voting page.  But as I said.  Not mad.  *tosses frying pan* *pelvic thrusts*

WORST VIRAL SONG/VIDEO.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Lil B – Look Like Jesus:  “This guy is an awful rapper and a horrible human being. It’s hard to sit through and watch the whole thing.”
• Brokey – Lil B – Look Like Jesus:  “Now I love me some ignorant music, but.. I had to say a few Hail Marys after listening to this.”

Who you voted for:

Lil B da Based God! Good call, family.  Good call.

WORST BEEF OF THE YEAR.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z:  “When Lil Kim said Nicki stole her swag, it almost made sense. When Hammer said Jay-z stole his swag…it made no sense at all. Jay has never danced and lost a lot of money. What else is there to steal?”
• Brokey – MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z – Better Run Run: He’s dissing somebody who never even dissed him, ever. King Hammer?  More like King BOO BOO THE FOOL!  *raises hand in the air, waits for a high-five*  *slowly has a seat*

Who you voted for:

MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z! Ridiculousness:  universally agreed upon.

MOST RIDICULOUS TRIP TO JAIL.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – T.I.:  “T.I, cause he decided to play a real life version of the Monopoly game that everyone wants to quit.”
• Brokey – T.I.:  “You kind of expect DMX to always be going to jail.  But come on, T.I.  No excuse for you.

Who you voted for:

T.I.! Everybody thinks you’re dumb!

WORST OVERALL EFFORT.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – Chingy:  “Vengence will be his on his next album, entitled “Balling Again??! (Double or Less Than Nothing)” Ft. Plies, Ke$sha, and VINCE VAUGHN!”
• Brokey - N.E.R.D: “I would have voted for Coochie-poppin’ Kerry, but I took N.E.R.D’s suckage personally.  I LOVE them, and they treat me that way?? WTF!”

Who you voted for:

Chingy! Don’t be too mad, Chingy.. this is likely the only award you’ve won in the last 5 years.

THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. Note!  We decided to name this Award after the first runner-up, to be so referenced in the future.

Who we voted for:

• Smyph – 50 Tyson: “That kid ruined my entire summer.”
  
• Brokey -50 Tyson:  “Boys call him 50, girls call him Tyson.  WHAT ARE YOU HATING ON RIGHT NOW?!”

Who you voted for:

Flynt Flossy! Driven way up by the fans, but we ain’t mad!

And, in accordance, this award shall henceforth now and forever more be titled the 50 Tyson Lifetime Achievement Award.

There you have ‘em!  May 2011 be filled with some extra special ridiculousness for next year’s awards!  Thanks for voting!  Sorry this was put up so late!  GET OFF MY BACK!!

|pic src|

Greetings, all, and welcome to the first annual ever in life Splackie Awards, where we award the best and worst (but mostly worst) musical events, people, and happenings of the year.  The most awesome thing about this is that it’s totally people’s choice.  Well, kind of.  We did pick the categories and nominees, but YOU get to vote on them!

Let’s get this crazy train rollin’ with our first category:

Worst R&B Song of the Year.

• Keri Hilson – The Way You Love Me: Poor lil Keri.  So much vagina popping for such a mediocre song.
• H-Town - Call Me Mr. Pacman: Apparently, Pacman was a “stone freak undercover.”  Who knew?
• Various Motherf#ckers – We Are the World 2010: Because the first one just wasn’t cringe-worthy enough.
• Lloyd – Lay It Down: If only he didn’t break out into a yodeling fit at the end, we might could forgive this.

Worst Rap Song of the Year.

• MC Hammer – Better Run Run: Remember when MC Hammer tried to go  thug with “Pumps and a Bump?” It’s that all over again, but worse.
• Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag: Whoever told him that rhyming like an asthmatic in the middle of an attack lied to him.
• Nicki Minaj – Right Through Me: And whoever told her that “haddiyow” is a word did the same.
• Plies feat. Keri Hilson – Medicine: When metaphors go horribly wrong and are put over terrible beats and delivered by bad rappers.

Best Viral Video/Song.

• Antoine Dodson – The Bed Intruder Song: If you say you never caught yourself singing this song when it wasn’t even on, you’re lying.
• Yung Humma feat. Flynt Flossy – Fried or Fertilized: I like this song so much, I wouldn’t get mad if a dude said this to me at a club*. (*editor’s note – yes I would.)
• Rev. Rozay BMF Gospel Remix: I THINK I’M PAUL!  I THINK I’M DANIEL IN THE LION’S DEN!  I WHOOPED GOLIATH!
• Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy, Wacka Flocka – Shawtbus Shawty: Hannah Montanamah?
• Old dude from American Idol – Pants on the Ground:If your grandad was this cool you wouldn’t get mad when he told you to get off his lawn.

Worst Viral Video/Song.

• Antoine Dodson – Bed Intruder Song: Sure it was awesome, but now he’s EVERYWHERE.  Hasn’t it been 15 minutes already?!
• Bangs – Take You to the Movies: I don’t even know what to say here.
  
• Baby Buggz – I Goes Ham: …Oh we’re mad, alright. But probably not why you think we are.
  
• Lil B da Based God – Look Like Jesus: So blasphemous we almost didn’t even put it here.

Worst Beef of the Year.

• Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim:Girl gets record deal.  Girl puts on green wig. Woman who is no longer rapping gets mad. Girl continues to make money.  Woman continues to cluck and turn herself into a white woman.
• MC Hammer vs. Jay-Z: “King Hammer” thought Jay-Z dissed him, so he made a song claiming that Jay-Z “stole (his) swag.”  He also implied that Jay is a devil worshipper and baptized him in the video.  …Yeah.
• Fabolous vs. Soulja Boy: They were fighting over Kat Stacks?  Even if you win, you still lose.
• Kat Stacks vs. Everybody/the Internet: Okay, I still don’t get this.  People keep putting up videos of them beating this girl up in public.  What?  Why?  Who even is she?
• Tyrese vs. the English Language: If you’re going to dole out wisdom on Twitter, be wise enough to spell things correctly.

Most Ridiculous Trip to Jail.

• DMX:  Went to jail.  Again.  Probably for drugs.  Again.
• T.I.:Go to jail.  Get out of jail.  Get busted and go BACK to jail less than a year later.  You big dummy!
• Ja Rule:  Tell the truth–you didn’t even know he went back to jail, did you?
• Lil Boosie: Truth told, I thought he was already in jail when he got sent this time.

Worst Overall Effort.

• N.E.R.D: Their album, “Nothing,” was aptly titled, because there was nothing on it we wanted to hear again.  Nothing.
• Keri Hilson: She only sold about 3 records, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.  ‘Cause she tried hard. …Too hard.
• Ciara: Either sold three less or three more than Keri.  We keep forgetting.
• Chingy:  Undersold everybody with a whopping 683 albums.
• Diddy Dirty Money: Known also as Diddy, Dawn, and That Other Girl.  Thank Moses that was the last train to Paris, cause I couldn’t stand another one.

and now… The Splackavellie Central Lifetime Achievement Award.

• Flynt Flossy of (Turquoise Jeep Records): The lacefront goatee.  The silky smoove vocals.  The Smangit dance.  All win everything.
• 50 Tyson: His story of achieving his dream in spite of his autism is beautiful. Plus he was born to be a ball player.
• The Worst DJ Ever: This guy smacked up some chick’s titties at a wedding in front of children and nobody flinched. He has to be some kind of amazing.
• Jimmy McMillan: He’s a karate expert and he ran for governor of New York on a pretty batshit platform. But did you know he wrote his own soundtrack? Hell yeah, he did!

Polls are open til winners/losers are announced on January 2, 2011!  See you next year!

"Happy Kwanzaa, b!tch!"

This is the video story of a kid who thought Christmas BOPPED! …Literally.

You probably don’t remember “Real Christmas” by the Illtown Family but they used to play it on BET all the time back in the day.  If you don’t remember Illtown Family, it was basically a bunch of R&B acts you never heard of, and Next.  The song is really your stereotypical 90s R&B Christmas posse cut. It comes complete with 90s cliches, bad weaves, and horrible R&B group/singer names (shout out to 4MAT). But there’s something special about this song. There is one guy who stands out in this video and he thinks this Christmas song BOPS!

To illustrate this…the kid proceeds to bop and bounce his shoulders ridiculously hard the entire video while making overly expressive faces. It is believed that this kid had to ice his shoulders down after this video due to the extreme nature of his boppy-ness.

Here are some of my other favorite moments:

-00:8 The bop begins. That look on his face means it’s about to go down.

-1:33 R.L. tells us that his love is not material. It’s physical …and its spirit-chew-al. Which is greater than spiritual.

-1:47 This guy gets a baby bottle as a Kwanzaa gift and he loves it. Not sure what happened there.

-2:44 The big bopper holds up the #4 while bopping. It just looks funny.

Merry Christmas everyone! …But keep it real.

(Thanks to Charles270 for sharing this via his Tumblr!)

Okay.  Are you n-words out there really mad because Baby Buggz goes ham?  Or are you mad because:

1. Baby Buggz felt the need to pur writing credits on a seven word “song”
2. This “music video” is more or less a live action Geocities page
3. His name is Baby Buggz

Personally, I’m mad because when I showed this video to Smyph, his only comment was:  “that’s beautiful.”

How accurate is this song?  Why are you mad at Baby Buggz?

(Thanks to/shame on kindredsmile for sharing this!)

Let’s file this under: “OMG this really exists?!”

The answer to that question, thankfully, is YES.  Yes.  Coolio published a cookbook in 2009.  And believe it or not, it’s not full of gourmet ways to cook up your favorite narcotics (my fave:  peach and brie crack quesadillas with honey-lime dipping sauce), but actual recipes served up only the way Coolio can.

What follows is the actual table of contents from this book.  As you read, keep in mind that I am making absolutely none of this up.  This is straight from Coolio’s mouth to your eyes:

• Who Is the Ghetto Gourmet?
• How to Become a Kitchen Pimp
• The Ten Cool-Mandments
• Appetizers for that Ass
• Salad-Eatin’ Bitches
• Pimpin’ the Poultry
• Sinful Steaks
• It’s Hard Out Here for a Shrimp
• Chillin’ and Grillin’
• Pasta Like a Rasta
• Vegetarians? Okay, Whatever!
• Sweet Treats for that Sweet Ass
• Pimpclusion

…

I don’t even…

The actual text of the book is even more ridiculous.  Instead of teaspoons and tablespoons, Coolio uses dimebags and 20 sacks.  He refers to himself in third-person.  He names his dishes sh!t like “Chicken Lettuce Blunts.”  And he keeps saying that his food will taste “better than yo’ mama’s nipple.”  …

While reading the excerpts of this book available on Amazon, i learned that Coolio has had an online cooking show for quite awhile, at which point i IMMEDIATELY ran to Youtube to glance at the foolishment.  And, oh boy, what foolishment I found.  In the following clip, Andy Milonakis (remember him?) joins Coolio in the kitchen along with a parroting hype man and half dressed girls in cooking aprons.  Coolio kind of threatens to kill Andy in the process and it’s just… weird.  The whole thing is just weird.

(Thanks to @kindredsmile for hipping us to this ridiculousment!)

|1|

Let me be the first to say that Alexander O’Neal‘s ‘If You Were Here Tonight’ is a truly, truly beautiful song.  He had a lot of talent and potential.  Shame he got hooked on that White Girl and snorted it all away.  Anyway, this song is awesome, but the video?  Not so much.

To be fair, let’s put it into context:  It was made in 1985, and all videos were corny and cheesy then.  Ridiculous fashion, crappy sets.  That’s not his fault.  What is his fault though, are those terrible, TERRIBLE sexy faces he’s makin’ all up in the camera!  Why didn’t the director pick up on that?  I’d point you to a particular point in the video, but really, just pick a spot.  You’ll see it in due time.

As a bonus bit of ridiculousness, though, head to the 3:17 minute mark.  You should see him tossing and turning in the bed, unable to sleep because his boo isn’t there.  Keep watching and wait for him to start awake, singing, then attempt to be both sexy and confused at the same time.  Then come back and explain to me why the !#%& he felt it necessary to act up like that.  Thanks!

Hey, lovers of ridiculousness!

SC will be on a one month hiatus while my cohort and I figure out how to get famous and/or rich.  I’m going to try my hand at another novel, and I think he’s pondering selling drugs.  We’ll let you know how that goes.

In the meantime, though, let’s all relive some of the most ridiculous moments in this little slice of cyberspace, shall we?

• A favorite series, “Album Cover or Obituary?”  in which we try to decide if what we’re seeing is an album cover or an obituary and usually fail no matter what our answer is.
• Chante Moore CLEARLY Hates Her Friends.
• Awesomely Misheard Lyrics:  Tickle Tickle Beeper Stroll?
• Where Do You Want Me to Put It: A Song for Virgins.
• Smyph ruins all your good memories of Stevie Wonder!
• …And MC Hammer, too!
• Friend to SC Charles270 keeps us laced with really, REALLY bad music.
• R&B BATTLE!!!  Wait, what?
• Who Let Your Drunk Uncles in the Studio??!
• Neo-soul is dead.  And this broad killed it.
• What even is a Splackavellie, anyway?!

Try not to be too mad at us.  This hiatus won’t be fruitless for SC… details soon come!

See you in December!

I’d like to begin by expressing my undying, unending, boundless love and affinity for one of my favorite singers, the incomparable Bilal Oliver.  “Sometimes” is one of my favorite songs ever created in the history of my life.  I count “Love for Sale” among the top 3 albums that I’d have to have with me if stranded on a desert island.  I’d pay good money, if I had it, to see him perform anywhere when and wherever I could.  And if I didn’t have the money, I’d rob and steal and kill for it.  I have never ever seen this man perform sober and I am perfectly okay with it.  I’d actually be kind of freaked out if I did see him sober.

That said… he must have been on something glorious when he wrote “Flying.”

As much as I love Bilal, he’s kind of hit or miss with me sometimes.  I do like “Airtight’s Revenge,” the much awaited album after the shelfing of “Love for Sale,” but “Flying” just tickles me a bit too much for me to consider it seriously.  It’s a pretty sad song about a young girl born to a big time drug dealer who, thanks to the hand she is dealt in life, makes a few wrong turns at Albuquerque and ends up on drugs, prostituting, and working at a strip club.  And this is where it turns hilarious.

He had her walkin’ the town, sellin’ her ass,
They was makin’ money til she broke her back one day
How you do that? Upside down on the pole while you smokin’ crack

…LOL WHAT?!  Bilal, what are you doing right now?  What kind of shady ass establishment is this?  There’s no “employees must finish smoking crack before getting on the pole” signs in the dressing room?  Can we make that a company policy, please?  And don’t you need two hands to smoke crack?  How did she manage to get up on the pole and upside down with the necessary paraphernalia in her hands?  How good a performance can you give on a pole while smoking crack?  Doesn’t she care about the quality of service she’s providing to her customers?  Shouldn’t the manager demand a little more from his employees?  Nobody saw the crack pipe in her hand when she got on the stage?  Nobody alerted security or called Diamond from the back to come get her off the stage?

The answer to that is actually yes.  Kind of.

Somebody yelled from the back,
“Somebody get this ho up off the floor,
And Johnny, call the fuckin’ ambulance.”

Uh, yeah, hello?  911?  We got another ho that done fell off the pole, smokin’ crack.  Alright.  See yall in a bit.

No, but really.  While I’m sitting here ha-ha-hee-heeing, fwe really should appreciate this song for what it really is:  a PSA.  A plea for public safety and responsibility.  An appeal to President Obama to get a handle on this health care crisis because, “you can’t do sh!t when you’re injured.*”

* – AN ACTUAL LINE FROM THE ACTUAL SONG.

I was going to write a really long post about this song, because there’s sooo much to talk about, but really…it just comes down to this statement: WHAT IN THE HELL IS MICHAEL JACKSON TALKING ABOUT?!

I get the feeling he’s talking about sex…in the way that someone who had never seen or had sex would talk about it.  Yeah, this is like Steve Carrell’s Character in the 40 yr. old virgin comparing breasts to bags of sand.

He wanna give hot jump shot
Move to the left
He wanna time bar
Slam dunk ha ha ha

…What?  Time bar?

I would have loved to ask Mike about this song, specific lyrics included. I’m sure he had a reason for it. But I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. All I know is, the name of the song is “Superfly Sister” and he doesn’t say superfly or sister once in the entire song. Instead, he talks about half flaps and moves to the left. *shrug*

Perhaps the most mind boggling thing about this is all the women going crazy  for Mike and his “dirty talk” in the Youtube comments.  So….apparently, a half flap is some crazy super freaky tantric move that I just don’t know about or something.