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…And You, Brian McKnight, are no Gynecologist.

April 24, 2012

Sigh.  Ladies.  I can’t think of a gentle way to say this, so I’ll just say it:

Brian McKnight wants to show you how your vagina works.

I have questions and concerns.

Okay, so there’s a youtube clip circulating on Twitter right now of Brian McKnight giving the internets a snippet of a new song he’s working on as part of a new mixtape.  An “adult” mixtape.  And by “adult” he means desperate sex (when you read that, please be sure to put ‘sexy’ in air quotes).

The song is called “If You’re Ready to Learn.”  He removed the youtube vid, but thankfully the internet never forgets and you can see it here on World Star Hip Hop.  If you can’t hear/watch the video for some reason, the chorus goes–and I am NOT making this up:

Let me show you how your pussy works
Since you didn’t bring it to me first
I have lots of things to show you
If you’re ready to learn
Let me show you how your pussy works
Bet you didn’t know that it could squirt
I have lots of things to show you
If you’re ready to learn

Brian.  BRIAN!  This is uncomfortable and presumptuous! First of all, what makes you think that I don’t know how my own vagina works?  It’s my damn vagina!  We’ve spent nearly 30 years together!  WE TIGHT!*  Furthermore, I have a damn degree!  That means I’M NOT STUPID.  I know what’s happening in there!  How dare you come into MY house telling ME about MY vagina.

And further some more, what makes you qualified to teach anybody about their reproductive equipment?  I doubt your medical credentials, sir!  You got a OBGYN degree?  If so, I’ll chill.  Just show me some proof.  I wanna see the degree.  The receipts.  At least some evidence of student loan debt.  Actually you don’t even have to do all that–I know you don’t have one because YOU SAY IT IN THE SONG.  And I quote:

I did my post-grad in sociology/so what I tell you might seem strange

Pardon my French, but fuckin’ right it’s strange!  SOCIOLOGY?! Why am I going to listen to anything you have to tell me about my vagina?!  That’s like me running up into NASA like, “I have an MA in poetry, but I’d really like to build this nuclear fission bomb atomizer for you.”  If I walk into my gyno’s office and see a degree in Finnish language and culture hanging on the wall, guess what I’m doing?

I am respectfully pulling up my panties and walking home.  Which is what I suspect will happen whenever Brian McKnight comes around thanks to this masquerading ass song because WE HAVE FOUND YOU OUT!  Don’t be fooled, ladies!  This man can NOT read your pap smears!!  He is NOT A TRAINED GYNECOLOGICALIST!  He is using lies, trickery and R&B ninja voodoo to gain access to your love pouches!

"Bitch, you wasn't with me writin dissertations on cervical cancer!"

He is creepy and is not interested in your cervical health.  This man couldn’t Hippocratic oath his way out of a wet paper bag.  Trust me on this one.

How dare you, Brian.  How dare you, indeed.  I mean there has to be some other logical explanation for something like this, right?

….oh.

You know who else that didn’t work well for?

Her.

*…see what I did there?

**note: the views of brokey do not necessarily reflect the views of smyph who has completely different thoughts on all of this.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. April 24, 2012 3:10 pm

    *smh*

    I will comment when I know what to do with this…I can’t…

    • April 24, 2012 11:54 pm

      After further review…this is worse than I could have imagined…oh how the decent have fallen.

      Tom Smykowski thinks this is a bad idea.

  2. April 24, 2012 7:30 pm

    Guess he took “playin’ Doctor” seriously.
    Is Proctology next? Let me hide …

    And what is with this fixation on “squirting”?! Are there any adults in the house anymore?

  3. Kory permalink
    April 25, 2012 4:14 pm

    I see what u did there lol…clever

  4. Rfisher32 permalink
    May 6, 2012 5:51 pm

    I thought he did that for “Funnyordie.com” why would anyone take that seriously? Jeez, get a funnybone and do your research. (Must be the same persons that thought The Onion is real newspaper…

  5. October 29, 2012 7:18 pm

    WE TIGHT!*

    You wouldn’t happen to be a Cephus and Reesie fan, would you?

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