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Tis the Season to be Absolutely Completely Ridiculous.

December 26, 2011

We at SplakCent have decided to break our silence to wish you all a very Happy Holidays! For this edition, we offer you the worst, strange, most annoying, and unbelievable moments in Christmas music! This List is in no particular order.

Clarence Carter – Backdoor Santa
Official:  Clarence Carter is the worst Santa Claus ever in life.  He comes into your house, sends you out to play, has sex with your mom, doesn’t leave you a single gift, and scurries off before your dad comes home.  The good news:  the “backdoor” part is not an allusion to anal escapades (that we know of..what Santa Carter and your mom do behind closed doors is their business).  The back door is how he makes his escape if there’s no chimney in the house.  And how many houses with chimneys do you know of in the hood?  Exactly.

New Kids On The Block – Funky Funky Christmas

This is hilarious. A bunch of white guys from Boston dancing extremely hard because their song has no real lyrics. Even the Chorus is really unenthusiastic. They keep asking each other if they’re ready in the middle of the song. In my opinion, if the song has already started, asking if someone is ready is a dead issue. Also, I don’t remember the New Kids rapping so much. And no Christmas song requires that much body rolling and pelvic thrusting.  Either way…this song is really bad. Its not as bad as Arsenio’s Gordon Gartrell Jacket though. That’s the worst.

Rap Allstars – Last Christmas
This song is done by the Rap Allstars. The group of people singing/rapping this song are anything but AllStars. They aren’t even AllStars for the D-League.  What they are is an assortment of rappers with a bad chorus. The video is very 98’ though. Bubble coats, fish eyed lenses, etc. The song though…the song is bad. The guy kind of sounds like a foreign George Michaels. Like…a MORE foreign George Michaels. How he met these Rap All stars I’ll never know.

Master P West Coast Bad Boyz – High Fo Christmas 
What happens when Master P makes a Christmas song?  Exactly what you think.

The Ying Yang Twinz – Various Needlessly Crunk Christmas Songs
Christmas songs  by the Ying Yang Twinz probably sound exactly like you think they’d sound. Loud.  Full of strippers.  Crunk.  Needlessly so.  They’d be right at home here.  No one should come into anything Christmas related this hyped. There’s just no reason for it. Its almost unbelievable that the Ying Yang Twins had a Christmas album…until you consider that they don’t have much else to do these days.  Here’s Deck Da Club, Carol of Da Bellz, and Ho Ho.

(Secret confession from Brokey McPoverty:  I kind of like these.  I am not proud of this.)

Jim Jones – White Christmas
Get your pink outfits ready!  Its gonna be a very Dipset Christmas. Jim Jones tryna stay wet in the midst of a drought! Ever wonder why rappers hate so hard on Santa Claus? Maybe because he’s flier then they are… even if only once a year.

David Banner – The Christmas Song
This just in: David Banner hates Christmas and loves to cuss. And we just talked about how much rappers hate Christmas. This isn’t a bad song necessarily…its just amazing to hear how much David Banner cusses at Christmas.

H-Town – Knockin Boots for Christmas
Lets not even start with the song. Lets start with the album cover. Luke and (who I assume to be) his two kids. Baby girl by his leg is serving it up with the over-the-shoulder POW! look. Luke shooting the finger gun. All of this would be fine if the songs he had on his album were wholesome…but alas…it is Luke. And Luke’s Christmas has to be a little freaky, which means… this may not be the best place to be posing with your children.  The song is H-Town’s classic song about boot knockin’ with a yuletide twist, which is pretty much an all around bad idea. It’s a knockin boots Chrimuuuuus!

B2K –  Why’d You Leave Me On Christmas
Checking in with the corniest Lyrics most definitely written by Marques Houston, B2K tells some girl all the stuff they bought her for Christmas and wonders why she left him. My guess:  all that baby hair. Ginuwine is the only dude I knew that could get away with having baby hair AND ladies. Omarion and Ginwune are different people. I’m pretty sure we can all agree with that. All together…this is a pretty corny song and equals not-so-great.

Oobie – This Sexy Christmas
There was once a girl named Oobie who sang hooks for Lil Jon.  These hooks contained such poetry as “Oh na na na na/I’m so horny/and I want you to f#ck me/I’m tired of masturbating.”  After a musical project like there, clearly the next stop is Christmas. I was wondering what the worst version of Donnie Hathaway’s “This Christmas” was…apparently it is Oobie’s version. Of course her Christmas is going to be a sexy one. Way sexier than previous Christmases.  This is a great way to get haunted by the angry spirit of Donnie Hathaway for the rest of your life.

Dirty Boyz – All I Want for Christmas
Dirty Boyz just want to get crunk for Christmas. Well…that’s not all really. They also what Gucci sweaters, and Sega Genisis tapes,  back child support, four pounds of chitlins, liberty and justice for all, and a number of other things. But mainly they just want to get crunk.  Who can be mad at that?  (Answer:  we can.)

Holidelic – Sugar Rump Fairies and any other song they have ever done.
This is the most amazing Christmas thing ever, by far our  favorite discovery of the season.  As best as I can tell, there is a funkadelic like group that gets together once a year to perform funk-holiday songs. I think that’s amazing enough. But their whole presentation is amazing to me. This awesome is horrible and great at the same time. Words cannot do any of their videos justice. You literally have to see them to believe anything else I have to say.

Merry Christmas er’body!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2012 11:28 pm

    Dear Spackavellie,
    Things that make you go “Hummmmmm” …

    B2K asked “Why ya leave me on Christmas?” Maybe that line ‘bout “I won’t cheat again” has a wee bit to do with it.

    David Banner had an almost Heavy Metal feel to it, a sort of thrash-anger in it. Like Smegma doing “Let me be your Santa”.

    The only thing them punks New Kids made me think of was “Wow. Arsenal Hall DID have a TV show. Was Eddie Murphy ever on it?”

    “Back Door Santa” actually got some air-play out here in the hillbilly-sticks where my trailer sits (on wooden blocks) durin’ the Blues hour. It’s a classic.

    As far as Oobie ………………………………………….. oh, yeah (wipes drool) ………………….. uh? I just lookin’ at her. I turn the sound off.

    Best single line? H-Town and “We get to play in the snow” HEY!!! THAT’S ME!!! Come on girlie’s I’s a waitin’ …

    But a certain amount of chastisement is in order here. It is heretical apostasy to reference the “chewy like yer rump” Holidelic with “a funkadelic like group”. Exxxccuuuuusssseeee me! That mess compared to something such as Michael Hampton’s guitar genius in Maggot Brain (any live version) or Garry Shider in the live tape of Cosmic Slop is totally uncalled for. Offensive even, for a true Funkadelic.

    L “play in the snow Oobie” B

  2. January 7, 2012 1:54 am

    Am I the only one left?
    Daum I’m loyal.

  3. Godzilla Jr. permalink
    February 5, 2012 11:30 pm

    LMAO @ four pounds of chitlins

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