Cookin' With Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price

Let’s file this under: “OMG this really exists?!”

The answer to that question, thankfully, is YES.  Yes.  Coolio published a cookbook in 2009.  And believe it or not, it’s not full of gourmet ways to cook up your favorite narcotics (my fave:  peach and brie crack quesadillas with honey-lime dipping sauce), but actual recipes served up only the way Coolio can.

What follows is the actual table of contents from this book.  As you read, keep in mind that I am making absolutely none of this up.  This is straight from Coolio’s mouth to your eyes:

• Who Is the Ghetto Gourmet?
• How to Become a Kitchen Pimp
• The Ten Cool-Mandments
• Appetizers for that Ass
• Salad-Eatin’ Bitches
• Pimpin’ the Poultry
• Sinful Steaks
• It’s Hard Out Here for a Shrimp
• Chillin’ and Grillin’
• Pasta Like a Rasta
• Vegetarians? Okay, Whatever!
• Sweet Treats for that Sweet Ass
• Pimpclusion

…

I don’t even…

The actual text of the book is even more ridiculous.  Instead of teaspoons and tablespoons, Coolio uses dimebags and 20 sacks.  He refers to himself in third-person.  He names his dishes sh!t like “Chicken Lettuce Blunts.”  And he keeps saying that his food will taste “better than yo’ mama’s nipple.”  …

While reading the excerpts of this book available on Amazon, i learned that Coolio has had an online cooking show for quite awhile, at which point i IMMEDIATELY ran to Youtube to glance at the foolishment.  And, oh boy, what foolishment I found.  In the following clip, Andy Milonakis (remember him?) joins Coolio in the kitchen along with a parroting hype man and half dressed girls in cooking aprons.  Coolio kind of threatens to kill Andy in the process and it’s just… weird.  The whole thing is just weird.

(Thanks to @kindredsmile for hipping us to this ridiculousment!)

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