Deadliest R&B Warrior, Episode 1: Al B. Sure! vs. Ginuwine
We are VERY, very excited to introduce a new segment here at SplackCent in homage to and in celebration of the greatest, most amazing show to ever be created in anyone’s history of life EVER: Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior. If you’ve not seen the show, SHAME ON YOU. Basically, it works like this. The beautiful nerds that write/produce the show pick two fierce, ferocious warriors from the pages of world history and pit them against each other. They examine their weapons and fighting styles and in the end assess who would win had their paths ever crossed. Sounds amazing, right? You have NO idea (get a clue here and here).
Now. We’re going to do something similar, only with popular R&B artists and performers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Splackavellie Central’s Deadliest R&B Warrior: Al B. Sure! vs. Ginuwine. Place your bets & get on in here.
Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior pits the weapons and fighting styles of each fighter against each the other in the search for the winner, and this will work the same way. Categories for this match are long range attacks, short range attacks, special weapons, and defensive weapons. Two vocalists. Two eras. One knock-down, drag-out b!tchfight royale.
New Jack Swing legend Al B. Sure! and former stripper Ginuwine go toe to toe, putting their long range attacks, short range attacks, special weapons, and defensive weapons against each other. First up:
LONG RANGE ATTACKS
Ginuwine: The Government Name. Ginuwine’s actual factual birth name is Elgin Baylor Lumpkin. Who in their right mind would be afraid of someone named Elgin Lumpkin? This is how he disarms his opponents; he tells them his real name and they relax a bit, sensing no competition, and then BAM! Death is on your doorstep, ready to collect the rent.
Al B. Sure!: The Best Of Discs of Doom. Did you know that Al B. Sure! released a Best of Al B. Sure! album in 2003? Correction: not just a Best Of album. A Very Best Of album. You didn’t ? It’s okay. Nobody else did either. Because nobody bought them. And since nobody bought them, Al B. has a seemingly endless arsenal of CDs with four pointy corners just aching to pierce some body rolling R&B flesh. These discs are traditionally hurled at the eyes in order to do the most damage (the very best damage, if you will).
Though Al B. Sure! likely has enough CDs to hurl til Jesus comes back, he’s probably find out he was fightin’ some kid named Elgin and decide to save them for a REAL fight. And that’s right where Mr. Lumpkin wants him.
SHORT RANGE ATTACKS
Ginuwine: Ballistic Babyhair. You may have seen the three miles of babyhair on Ginuwine’s hairline and assumed that he either had Indian in his family or went a bit overboard with the Duke. The perpetual moistness actually comes from glands just below the surface of his skin right at his hairline that produces a slick, Blue Magic hair grease-like substance when his fight-or-flight response is triggered. These glands can produce enough of the substance to pool on the ground beneath the feet of his opponent, making it impossible for him to keep his balance, giving Ginuwine the upper hand.
Al B. Sure!: The Unibrow Shank. Visually, Al B. Sure! is probably best known for his unibrow. Not only is it a poor aesthetic decision, it’s also an unholy instrument of death and destruction. His unibrow is a detachable, razor sharp dagger made more dangerous by its incredible length. Shaving the connecting strip about cut the length of the shank in half, thus decreasing its effectiveness. (If you ever see Al B. Sure! with fresh blood on his brows, know that he didn’t cut himself shaving–he cut somebody else, shanking.)
Ask your cousin JoJo doin’ a five-year bid upstate–nothin’ beats a shank. Plus. have you ever gotten hair grease in your eye? Ginuwine is way too cool to fight in protective goggles, so you can bet on his vision being obstructed.
Ginuwine: The Poison Pelvis. Remember how Ginuwine used to be a stripper? He hung up his sequined G-string quite awhile ago, but he still has his stripper moves and is not afraid to use them for evil. In all those hours on the stage at the Shake ‘Em Shack, he learned to effectively hypnotize onlookers with the deepest, most epic body rolls anyone has ever seen, caught on camera in his “Pony” video (at the 1:55 mark). A few twists of the spine and rises of the pelvis and the opponent is rendered helpless and, for the female opponent, potentially pregnant.
Al B. Sure!: Razor Sharp Notes. Al B. Sure! couldn’t sing. He could tell you how he felt about you night and day, but could you listen to it for 24 hours straight? Not hardly. Your ears would bleed–and in battle, that’s what he’s counting on. This note at 1:39? Definitely a kill shot.
Even the best dancer can’t bump and grind effectively if he can’t find the beat nor the tune. If Al B. Sure gets his mouth open before Ginuwine’s pelvis gets going (…), he’s got the upper hand.
And with a tally of two rounds to one, this week’s Deadliest R&B Warrior is…
AL B. SURE!
The unibrow is just too ridiculous and offensive to allow for any other outcome.
(**NOTE!! Deadliest Warrior season 2 premiers on Spike TV TONIGHT at 8:30 pm! Do yourself a favor and watch some historical motherf#ckers get killed to death!!)
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