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“Where Do You Want Me to Put It:” A Song for Virgins

March 15, 2010

DERP

I can’t be the only one who remembers this song; in 1995, r&b group Solo hit the charts with their single “Where Do You Want Me to Put It.”  If you’re smart, you already know where this is going.

Okay, so the song, essentially, is about communication.  A man is singing, asking his lover to direct him, tell him what she wants in bed so that he may better please her, which is really admirable and something that all adults should be doing in the sack, so that’s not the problem.  It’s just that he asks… kind of a really dumb fucking question.  Where do I want you to put it?  Do you not know how this works?  Have you don’t this before?  Have you heard of the vulva, my friend?  You familiar at all?  You watch porn at least, yeah?  Surely that provides a clue or two?  Why is this a question that you have to ask or I have to answer at this point in our lives?  Cause I mean, these are grown ass men singing this song, so I’m assuming..

And maybe that’s my problem.  I’m assuming.  I’ve thought of two possible situations/circumstances in which this question would not be as stuperiffic as it seems.

Scenario #1:  He’s blind. Makes perfect sense then, right?  He can’t see shit.  He don’t know what’s goin where or which way he needs to point it to get there.  I can vibe with that.

Scenario #2:  He’s into some next level freaky shit. See, I’m assuming that his ultimate goal is the usual/obvious, which would be the vagina.  Or, if you’re into that sort of thing, the bootybutthole.  But maybe he’s used to putting it other places?  Maybe he’s trying to get a feel for her freak level before he just unleashes all of it?

Say, girl. Where you want it today? The ear? Left nostril? Oh, I know what you like--come on and spread them toes, mama.

I don’t know.  I guess it’s open to interpretation.  And maybe my reading of the song colors me boring and unimaginative between the sheets.  Lol.  Who am I kidding.  If I could, I’d clone myself just to get me drunk and naked on a bear skin rug.  *pops collars*

At any rate, the moral of the story is that this song is completely ridiculous.  You need to phrase this question better, Solo, elsewise you’re just lookin’ like a lost, confused little orphan standin’ in the middle of a bedroom wearin’ athletic socks with your dick in your hands.

And there’s a lyric that I don’t understand, while we’re on the subject; it’s in the chorus:

Tell me what should I do

‘Cause you’re startin’ to work it down

And I don’t wanna lose it

…Is this an allusion to premature ejaculation?  Cause it sounds like it to me.  File this one under “sad times.”

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Roxy permalink
    March 15, 2010 5:21 pm

    Now that I done died at work……x_x

  2. March 15, 2010 5:25 pm

    Can we also add that this song used to be THA JAM amongst the senior set, LOL.

    I can only guess it’s because it has an “old school” sound, but this has to be the most inappropriate song that I want to hear while cruising with Grandma and Grandpa…EEKS!

    • March 15, 2010 5:33 pm

      yeah, this song definitely gives the feel of fubu sweaters and leather newsboy hats. lol

  3. Ralonda permalink
    March 15, 2010 5:26 pm

    See, this is what happens when you ask stupid questions, Solo. Onehitwonderdom. Don’t nobody want a follow up called “What I’m Posed to Do With My Hips Now That You Told Me Where To Put It With Pictures and Diagrams and Such.”

  4. March 15, 2010 5:32 pm

    LMAO the only thing more disturbing than the lyrics of this song is hearing your Dad sing it approximately 14 times during a four hour car ride, watching his face as he realizes what they’re actually singing about the 15th time, then stopping the car to have a “rap session” about the dangers of sex.

    I had a really colorful childhood.

    BONUS: the above scenario ALSO happened with my holy roller stepmom and 112’s “Anywhere”. I shit you not.

    • March 15, 2010 5:34 pm

      LOL u just reminded me of my mom singing LL Cool J’s ‘doin it.’ we need to start doing reader polls/sharing sessions here so we can get everybody’s uncomfortable parental singing moments

      • Fiqah permalink
        March 17, 2010 5:15 am

        You need to do an open thread about uncomfortable parental singing moments. I. HAVE. STOHRAYS. #youknowyouwantsome

  5. dseals permalink
    March 15, 2010 8:58 pm

    Ha! Slackavellie Central: The only place on the net where the over analysis of R&B music makes sense.

  6. Lite Bread permalink
    March 17, 2010 1:35 am

    “Where Do You Want Me To Put It?”

    Ms. Brokey, I confess, I’ve said those Exact words. Yes I have.

    Now, before you go thinkin’ I’m sexually inept or sumthin’ (which could be the case by now; but that’s a whole different Comment), I’ll ‘esplain it a bit.

    I am THE quintessential “Nice/Good Guy”. Ya know, the ones that finish …
    Last.
    With the girls.
    I got a lifetime experience in this mode of existence. In fact, somebody from Wikipedia got hold of me to use my picture under “Nice Guys Finish Last”. I’ve heard SO many times …
    “You’re such a Nice 2520 guy, I don’t want to mess up the friendship with, well, doing anything serious or nuthin’”

    The kind of guy who calls about a date on Friday night to hear “Naw, I’m goin’ out with … (insert bum-of-the-week)”. But, that doesn’t prevent the Saturday late morning return call of “Uh, Lite Bread, sweety? I gotta get my car through Jiffy Lube and I think they always rip me off. Will you come with me an’ be my 2520-protector guy?” And I do!

    So … I’ve used the above phrase. But before you get creepy mental images of 2520-boy all neck-ed with some beautiful A/A babe … the term got used because …

    One woman asked me to help her move. Another once had me take her grocery shopping when her car broke.

    So, picture me holding grocery bags or a big winged-backed chair in hand (after 5 flights of stairs to her new loft apartment) and saying …

    “Where Do You Want Me To Put It?”

    Somehow I fell off the back of the caboose wit the girlie’s …

    • March 17, 2010 6:45 pm

      did you sing this song when you asked?

      even if u didnt… can you tell me that u sing this song when u asked?

      bc that visual is rocking my socks right now.

      • Lite Bread permalink
        March 17, 2010 9:56 pm

        Ms. Brokey,
        Hit the right moment and I might tell you Anything you’d want to hear …so …

        yeah, why not? I sang the song when I did. Did it arc-a-pelicain, er, uh, all my meself.

  7. March 17, 2010 6:43 pm

    okay. first ever open thread on parents and the inappropriate songs they sing on Friday.
    :)

Trackbacks

  1. Open Discussion: Mama, No! « Splackavellie Central
  2. BRB! « Splackavellie Central

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